06-30-2012, 12:10 PM
hey billy
like the images you've introduced (the beast dead once freed, powdered dream, the concreteness of 'silver foil').
for the piece, what with its absent punctuation, perhaps that comma could be removed at the end.
also, given the topic, perhaps the stanzas and line lengths could be played with more to better capture the topic, though there is no actual problem as-is for me. for instance, spacing lines like smoke or something of the sort, or at least making things less even.
the last line lacks a little burst that the other lines have. i think it's the fact that "beast" has no adjective describing it; all of the other nouns have some kind of description.
like the images you've introduced (the beast dead once freed, powdered dream, the concreteness of 'silver foil').
for the piece, what with its absent punctuation, perhaps that comma could be removed at the end.
also, given the topic, perhaps the stanzas and line lengths could be played with more to better capture the topic, though there is no actual problem as-is for me. for instance, spacing lines like smoke or something of the sort, or at least making things less even.
the last line lacks a little burst that the other lines have. i think it's the fact that "beast" has no adjective describing it; all of the other nouns have some kind of description.
Written only for you to consider.