06-27-2012, 09:50 AM
Agree, as this is your first poem letting people read it and react to it is already a great first step.
It's got solid stuff in it for a beginners poem. There's meter that's off and some rhymes that are forced but that will improve once you get more poems under your belt and start to rely more on your own voice as a writer. Right now though the emotions are yours some of the words aren't. Some elements were generic for me (cliche in that I see them in other heartbreak poetry) but some elements pinged my interest and really got my mind whirring. The fact that she (the narrator) is still in contact with and expends so much positive emotion on the guy is intriguing.... it reveals she is complicit in her own pain, feeding and nurturing it still. When the guy "ran back to the arms of what he can't live without"... his initial infraction is cheating/one night stand so does the guy have other issues like addiction? Not sure this was elaborated on.
Basically since you are referring to the romance as a heart attack, you can compress this poem more to really distill and wring out the most pain... after all a heart attack is clear, present, overwhelming, and doesn't give you much opportunity to overthink or wallow. Give less misery, more anguish, just imo
It's got solid stuff in it for a beginners poem. There's meter that's off and some rhymes that are forced but that will improve once you get more poems under your belt and start to rely more on your own voice as a writer. Right now though the emotions are yours some of the words aren't. Some elements were generic for me (cliche in that I see them in other heartbreak poetry) but some elements pinged my interest and really got my mind whirring. The fact that she (the narrator) is still in contact with and expends so much positive emotion on the guy is intriguing.... it reveals she is complicit in her own pain, feeding and nurturing it still. When the guy "ran back to the arms of what he can't live without"... his initial infraction is cheating/one night stand so does the guy have other issues like addiction? Not sure this was elaborated on.
Basically since you are referring to the romance as a heart attack, you can compress this poem more to really distill and wring out the most pain... after all a heart attack is clear, present, overwhelming, and doesn't give you much opportunity to overthink or wallow. Give less misery, more anguish, just imo
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?