The Coat of Alfred Meyerstein:

[tectak]

Alfred wears a WWII German greatcoat;
the three bullet holes in the back indistinguishable
from a dozen or more ragged round moth holes.Surely this diminishes the relevance of the bullet holes.....which three are bullets, are ANY bullets. It is the finality of "indistinguishable" that is wrong. I want to know that they ARE distinguishable, if only by the blood-blackened threads.
Its greatness all the greater for their hunger.No. Its greatness all the greater for their menu choice. If they are hungry it is because they haven't eaten. These clearly have, or at least their caterpillars have. Corms and tubers, billy


Alfred killed frightened Germans for a livingStatement. Full stop. Adds to the starkness. I think you could bump up the characterisation of Alfred. "Alfred Killed frightened Germans for his hobby/pleasure/ sport."
He enjoyed gliding over them with his tankSemi colon
it dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earthComma
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the slow scared bastards.Comma after slow. Not sure I like the opined descriptions you are using, they seem to be outside of Alfred's remit. They sound personal to the writer. Even "wretches" instead of "bastards" might mitigate the effect.
Underfoot was quagmire, men slipped and tripped,"Underfoot was a quagmire in which men slipped and fell,
and in this hell the grey-clads slithered" ...just a suggestion because tripping is a bit pratt-fall-esque
in fear the grey-clads scrambled.Overuse of frightened, scared and fear. All repetition. I think we have got the picture. Tank, man, fear. Also, grey-clads seems to be a result of a search for "something" to describe "something" which is a "clad in grey something" and you have suddenly thought...aha! "grey-clad" I think you could work on the mud, gore, blood, burnt ground, petroleum grease and gunge. Grey-clad is fine for Sunday mass....but I think a man-tank battle is probably a little messier than dudes at church.

Alfred often liked to stop and better see them flee,Did he often like or often stop? Alfred liked to often stop....Alfred liked to stop often...
crawl, and try in vain to haul themselves up and over
steep walled ditches that gave little or no purchase.This is a bit H and S regarding Hazard Analysis of Steep walled Ditches when pursued by Tank thereof. " steep walled ditches; mud devoid of grip or grasp"
Leather-gauntleted hands slipped on root and stone alike.Hands in leather gauntlets slipped,on root and stone alike;
Waterlogged boot conceded failure to cold wet mud.and waterlogged boots gave up the fight to the swamp that once was land.
It was in these times he'd light one of his stubby cigars;
the same shape as his shells, he'd commandeered themFull stop after "shells" then comma after bloodied ( sorry, insert mode is on and won't go off).
from a bloodied black dress-shirt pocket of the hierarchy.
Dead Waffen-SS officers had no taste; no need to smoke, except
in hell with all dead Jews sent Courtesy of Belsen's bakery.good, powerful but still tinged with that quintessential billy. This line is manifestly NOT unbiased, it doesn't have to be.... BUT it loses something inherently (of itself) meaningful when personal sentiment shows through . Not a nit, just an observation.

Alfred tugged a mouthful of acrid smoke into his lungs
and smiled a Jewish smile as he bagged himself a trophy.
He also took his eighth iron cross, this one for his dead wife.

Alfred liked to wear the skin of a dead German soldier.

In some way this is a poignant piece but there is not enough crunch to give texture. It is all a bit dead-pan. Needs spicing up or becoming sufficiently dramatic so as not to falsely indicate that it got the way it is by accident. I like the thing but it doesn't like me. Even little things like the last line irritates me.....It should have been the first line![/quote]
Best,
tectak