06-26-2012, 06:20 PM
I know the kind of effect you're trying to achieve but I don't think you're quite getting there. Not sure why, maybe more about the coat would do the trick.
"ragged round" and "slow scared" would work ok in some poems, but not this one.
The 2nd verse could be better punctuated and I'd cut the last 2 lines as you go on to describe the same thing better in verse 3..
Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living;
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank,
they dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the bastards.
Waterlogged boots?
I'm not that fond of the last 2 lines. Maybe there's some significance to the penultimate line but to me it seems superfluous.I think someone else mentioned that the last line was a bit flat and I'd agree.
"ragged round" and "slow scared" would work ok in some poems, but not this one.
The 2nd verse could be better punctuated and I'd cut the last 2 lines as you go on to describe the same thing better in verse 3..
Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living;
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank,
they dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the bastards.
Waterlogged boots?
I'm not that fond of the last 2 lines. Maybe there's some significance to the penultimate line but to me it seems superfluous.I think someone else mentioned that the last line was a bit flat and I'd agree.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.