06-22-2012, 12:59 AM
Hello. I enjoyed this very much. Not so much room for improvement, really.
I think "when you heard me screaming" following "why I screamed" is a bit bland.
This verse comes as a surprise due to its length, or lack of it.
When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,
In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity, - you could omit truth.
But it's a lovely poem, I liked the 3rd verse best.
I think "when you heard me screaming" following "why I screamed" is a bit bland.
This verse comes as a surprise due to its length, or lack of it.
When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,
In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity, - you could omit truth.
But it's a lovely poem, I liked the 3rd verse best.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.