06-21-2012, 07:29 PM
As someone remarked, the gig has been done to death and while the poem is ok it doesn't really provide any sparkling insights.Some suggestions, anyway.
There's a lot of commas, you could maybe look at getting it to flow more easily. For example .....everything is a sepia rewind
no singing, the words are unspoken - needless repetition
dust lies upon our time untold - I presume this is an instant of what someone referred to as forced rhyme. Dust lies upon our time - that's fine, but what is "untold" meant to signify.
harmony broken and broken paradise - it shouldn't be difficult to find an alternative to the latter.
There is no need of "our" before forsaken rapture
pay dire price - sounds unnatural and forced to fit a rhythm. For this secret delight we pay the price?
"no sin to confess" But isn't that exactly what the poem is doing?
There's a lot of commas, you could maybe look at getting it to flow more easily. For example .....everything is a sepia rewind
no singing, the words are unspoken - needless repetition
dust lies upon our time untold - I presume this is an instant of what someone referred to as forced rhyme. Dust lies upon our time - that's fine, but what is "untold" meant to signify.
harmony broken and broken paradise - it shouldn't be difficult to find an alternative to the latter.
There is no need of "our" before forsaken rapture
pay dire price - sounds unnatural and forced to fit a rhythm. For this secret delight we pay the price?
"no sin to confess" But isn't that exactly what the poem is doing?
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.