Just Another Haze

[billy]

I originally constructed this a year ago... Gave it a quick tidy before posting it here. I'd like to refine this into something good. I'm fond of this. I think it marked my first real step into poetry.

I can't decide how to format it! Three big stanza or six small?


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v.2

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind, no need for 'in' or 'rewind'
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes smog of the mind. would 'the' work better before 'smog' as 'the smog of mind'

Somewhere distant a guitar thrums low,
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken. i like the feel of this.

Shaking, waking for another hit,
airless, yet each breath feels so cold, no need for 'yet'
soft around the edges, we submit, we or he or i ?
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture, are we on about one addict or all addicts.
for this secret delight, pay dire price, feels forced to fit the rhyme
old life that we can never recapture. as does this

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess, now the we is my, my works better i think
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess. the last two lines here feels a bit weak

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again, the 'now' feels unnecessary
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this wonderfully filthy den.

i'm in two mind whether it's an opium den or some addicts pad. i thought it was a well turned piece that needs an edit. the penultimate verse felt the weakest and potentially to clammy or woe is me.

i think the content is okay re the subject matter though i would have liked to see a few specifics on the dragon chasing. i thought the 2nd verse was the best. it set the tone and i felt it would have made a good opening verse.

thanks for the read.