06-21-2012, 05:45 AM
@addy
It's meant to be like "everything is in sepia like an old photograph" but the line is broken as he can't quite focus - at this point he is starting to come out of the initial hit. I get what you mean though, it is a bit redundant, things don't always carry across the way you mean them to.
I probably should replace air with a synomn, the repetetion was intentional but it bothers me too!
Do you think "wonderfully filthy" would work? Or does it lose meaning?
I agree with you actually, I do think it serves better replaced. I'll do an edit after me bath c:
Thanks for the crit, you've given really sound advice!
I'm really glad you liked the vibe, I do too. It's strange, because the first stanza was written almost stand alone, just with an image I had in my head of an old photograph being taken with smoke rising from the camera, and then it developed into a dusty and disused room, which evolved into a heroin den. The vibe of this poem came before the content, essentially, which is a bit strange, but I'm fond of it.
@heslopian
Thank-you for your kind words. I like your advice and I shall be including some of it in my edit for sure.
On the recapturing part... Well, it's complicated, because not all heroin users/addicts lose touch with their "real life" - Some people are functional heroin addicts, and even though they take it every day, they still function. It's an opiate which you can control the dosage of, you can use it like morphine. I have a relative like this. However, I have gone with the more depressing and stereotyped image of a dysfunctional heroin addict for whom heroin is the sole meaning of their life. They have lost touch with reality and they cannot stop themselves because the euphoria of the heroin is just too good. So the price he is paying is he has lost, not his life breath, but his life in the sense of when you say someone has "got no life" to mean no social life, no job, etc.
I'm really glad it is understood. The monotony and hopelessness was definitely something I wanted to convey.
I've done the edit. I am not sure how I feel yet, need time to compare.
It's meant to be like "everything is in sepia like an old photograph" but the line is broken as he can't quite focus - at this point he is starting to come out of the initial hit. I get what you mean though, it is a bit redundant, things don't always carry across the way you mean them to.
I probably should replace air with a synomn, the repetetion was intentional but it bothers me too!
Do you think "wonderfully filthy" would work? Or does it lose meaning?
I agree with you actually, I do think it serves better replaced. I'll do an edit after me bath c:
Thanks for the crit, you've given really sound advice!
I'm really glad you liked the vibe, I do too. It's strange, because the first stanza was written almost stand alone, just with an image I had in my head of an old photograph being taken with smoke rising from the camera, and then it developed into a dusty and disused room, which evolved into a heroin den. The vibe of this poem came before the content, essentially, which is a bit strange, but I'm fond of it.
@heslopian
Thank-you for your kind words. I like your advice and I shall be including some of it in my edit for sure.
On the recapturing part... Well, it's complicated, because not all heroin users/addicts lose touch with their "real life" - Some people are functional heroin addicts, and even though they take it every day, they still function. It's an opiate which you can control the dosage of, you can use it like morphine. I have a relative like this. However, I have gone with the more depressing and stereotyped image of a dysfunctional heroin addict for whom heroin is the sole meaning of their life. They have lost touch with reality and they cannot stop themselves because the euphoria of the heroin is just too good. So the price he is paying is he has lost, not his life breath, but his life in the sense of when you say someone has "got no life" to mean no social life, no job, etc.
I'm really glad it is understood. The monotony and hopelessness was definitely something I wanted to convey.
I've done the edit. I am not sure how I feel yet, need time to compare.