Just Another Haze

[heslopian]

I originally constructed this a year ago... Gave it a quick tidy before posting it here. I'd like to refine this into something good. I'm fond of this. I think it marked my first real step into poetry.

I can't decide how to format it! Three big stanza or six small?


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No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind, As "rewind" is a verb, it doesn't really fit here. How about "on rewind". Also, as photographs don't rewind I think you're mixing metaphors a bit.
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes the smog of mind. Maybe another "the" before "mind"?

Somewhere distant guitar thrums low, Either "guitar" should be a plural or there should be an "a" or "the" before "distant".
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking, for another hit, Is the second comma in this line needed?
airless yet the air feels so cold, I think a comma after "airless" would help the rhythm.
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise, I like the phrase "broken paradise".
we wallow in our forsaken rapture, "Forsaken rapture" is good too.
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
a life that we can never recapture. I'm confused. Why can't they recapture this life? Surely that's what they keep paying a dire price for?

The knight of brown industrial waste, Great line.
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this filthy wonderful den. These three lines are a really nice twist on "chasing the dragon".

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess. Effective last line.

I like how you convey an almost spiritual monotony and hopelessness in the poem. I think this poem works fine in its present format. Each verse contains a specific idea or theme. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read