06-20-2012, 08:00 PM
I like this but I think if you got rid of some of the asides and just let the story tell itself you'd have a better poem, one that flowed more easily.I mean the things like "Some died, of course" and "Me too." You could do summat like this with the opening verse
There once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags,
and sulphur-stained I packed the corms in desiccated sand;
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring.
I left the knife and grubby duster, upon the slatted bench.
An ashtray, too, from long ago topped up with wooden chips;
I can just recall the last vexacious turning on my lathe.
A source of pride, a single table leg; no more again.
I think you do a good enough job of likening yourself to the various tools etc. that you don't need to spell things out so.
There once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags,
and sulphur-stained I packed the corms in desiccated sand;
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring.
I left the knife and grubby duster, upon the slatted bench.
An ashtray, too, from long ago topped up with wooden chips;
I can just recall the last vexacious turning on my lathe.
A source of pride, a single table leg; no more again.
I think you do a good enough job of likening yourself to the various tools etc. that you don't need to spell things out so.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.