06-20-2012, 06:24 PM
@billy
I think there is always a risk of de-railing when you have such a sensitive subject! But we did still bring it back to the poem in the end, so I think it is justified. And it is definitely helping me with my poem. I'm going to consider what you say and when I have time I will definitely think of adding more of the negative side effects of crack-use. Although, if I do, I will also delve more into his past, because he doesn't really have a family and I think I need to make that more obvious. That is also another reason for him being a "harmless" user - no loved ones to mourn him. I will post another poem of mine soon which is about a heroin addict.
@Sumeet
I like the beat in the first line though, so "dull" would have to be replaced with something, do you have any suggestions? I was thinking of using an opposing adjective to suggest that his mind is normally wired from crack but is now stale. I dunno.
If I move the are/is then the beat goes again though... That line is an iambic one (well I might be mistaken, I'm rubbish at figuring it out xD) and I'm trying to make the poem as close to iambic pentameter as I can, although I know I fail. But I'm up for getting rid of them if I can think of a good replacement.
I can see what you mean about engrossed, I'll try and think of a better word. Really, I just used it because it was slightly similar to ghost if you pretend, hah. I'll consider changing the last line with "crack" in it.
Jargon specifically relates to words defined in relationship to a specific activity/whatever like scientific words. So what I mean, was that he uses complicated words that would suggest he probably went to university and studied at something like astro-physics.
Thank-you for your advice, I will definitely keep it all in mind when I do an edit. I need to focus on the structure more so that either I have a fixed beat or do away with it entirely.
@Heslopian
Thank-you for your comments! I will take into consideration what you have said when I do an edit!
The reason he talks in hopes of pennies is because he is begging people, and he does buy the crack. I can see why you'd get it confused though.
I think there is always a risk of de-railing when you have such a sensitive subject! But we did still bring it back to the poem in the end, so I think it is justified. And it is definitely helping me with my poem. I'm going to consider what you say and when I have time I will definitely think of adding more of the negative side effects of crack-use. Although, if I do, I will also delve more into his past, because he doesn't really have a family and I think I need to make that more obvious. That is also another reason for him being a "harmless" user - no loved ones to mourn him. I will post another poem of mine soon which is about a heroin addict.
@Sumeet
I like the beat in the first line though, so "dull" would have to be replaced with something, do you have any suggestions? I was thinking of using an opposing adjective to suggest that his mind is normally wired from crack but is now stale. I dunno.
If I move the are/is then the beat goes again though... That line is an iambic one (well I might be mistaken, I'm rubbish at figuring it out xD) and I'm trying to make the poem as close to iambic pentameter as I can, although I know I fail. But I'm up for getting rid of them if I can think of a good replacement.
I can see what you mean about engrossed, I'll try and think of a better word. Really, I just used it because it was slightly similar to ghost if you pretend, hah. I'll consider changing the last line with "crack" in it.
Jargon specifically relates to words defined in relationship to a specific activity/whatever like scientific words. So what I mean, was that he uses complicated words that would suggest he probably went to university and studied at something like astro-physics.
Thank-you for your advice, I will definitely keep it all in mind when I do an edit. I need to focus on the structure more so that either I have a fixed beat or do away with it entirely.
@Heslopian
Thank-you for your comments! I will take into consideration what you have said when I do an edit!
The reason he talks in hopes of pennies is because he is begging people, and he does buy the crack. I can see why you'd get it confused though.