Love Letter

[billy]

version 2:


my ageless earth
let me be your
epheremal
earthworm
and burrow
till nibbana

my fecund valley
let me be your
ocher shrub
and seep in
your essnce

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

as you

guide
yield
fulfil

let me be
born in you
beyond
forever

yes

love

needs
a body
a voice
a phallus
a sky
us

it

transcends
beyond
transparency

permeates
beyond
permanence

binds us
in blessed
synchrony
of soma
psyche
self

pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
as I suckle on life force i like this stanza a lot it stands out as more solid now that you brought the lines together.

so lets curl in
our womb
and float
till
nonbeing

while this edit makes the piece feel more meditative or spiritual, i think it loses the essence of the original. though i did find the 2nd stanza pretty raunchy i have to say i prefer the original at present though i'm glad the ing words have gone. the last stanza of the edit feels like a 60's chat up line

it's great to see people here who can take feedback properly
sorry i couldn't be more positive with the edit