Love Letter

[Todd]

Hi whitewand6,

So, by the time I got around to the poem...there's a revision up (figures ). Welcome to the site. Here are some comments for you:

I've read this through a few times, and while this is obviously just my opinion, I think you've lost something with the revision. There is an almost plaintive tone that feels stripped away in version 2.

Let me point out what I liked, and didn't like, and give you a sense of something you might do (please don't take this as rewriting your poem, it's more a limitation of trying to convey in text what I mean). I'm not so concerned at the moment with content more with mood and flow. I'm not going line-by-line. Just a few highlights.

I love sparse minimalist work. That said, the words have to count even more. When I get to lists like this one:

blossom
burst
manifold

I feel that you haven't stumbled upon the one right word yet. I'm less a fan of the staccato one word after another than the one perfect word. I'd look to condense into the single phrase or image.
Be my body
let me be your soul

This phrasing is too bland. It would be better to have a more powerful image demonstrating communion here.
guiding
yielding
fulfilling

While you made an improvement in the revision by killing the "ings", this still has the same problems as the other one word lines.

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Beyond and forever doesn't really add much. While, I mostly like your earthworm opening (less so S2), this nourish/nurture line is a nice addition to that image.

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus--nice addition

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless--I missed this when you cut it from version 2. I think you can cut "love needs" and just make this first line here "a sky"

Love transcends
beyond transparency--again this is nice. I like the sonics. You can kill beyond though without it its a good insight with it it seems otherworldly and a bit pretentious.

Love permeates
beyond permanence--I hate beyond here too, though the idea is a bit nonsensical--so it's iffy for me.

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony--you don't need Our here "us" does the job for you. This would be stronger as an image of some sort as opposed to an abstract idea

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

I sort of like the hypersilence idea though the ideas could be tighter here.

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

When I consider these phrases, I'm not a fan of the nude sky repetition and I would consider simplying all of this by cutting and replacing all three strophes with:

Gently place me
in your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

The rest of this is less engaging. If it were mine I would look to end the poem on something evocative even if I mixed the strophes up and pulled your most interesting phrase down (in which case I would reinclude the love needs):

Love needs a sky
nude and endless

I will consider the revision some more, but I needed to address version one first. I'll be giving the other version some thought. Again, I think you've lost some spark in the new one. I'll try to get back to you.

Best,

Todd