A Moment of Eternity (Rev. 2 Nov '12)

[Wildcard]

hello mark. this feels like a new direction for you in some ways. some rapid thoughts

first stanza: like the opening, it feels very fresh and tangible. part of me thinks the last lines should be trimmed to just one because having two abstractions like that can be difficult to pull off.

second stanza: the location of the words "inside" and "outside" was a little jarring for me; I expected the "outside" to be farther along in the line, but perhaps that would mirror the first line too much? although, for a ying and yang, maybe that would be appropriate. this is the stanza I have the least understanding of, but that may not be an actual problem

third: "drowning" is the key word in this stanza for me--at first I thought it was literal, but now I'm not so sure (hotboxing comes to mind). thought about switching the order (apologies if I'm overstepping my bounds):

pleasantly burrowed
into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle,
a drowning dog smiles.

overall:
the structure was interesting to me. the first and last stanzas (5 lines) i get, but the middle ones were interesting, especially with "disoriented" all by itself

I quite like the suggestions you've made and may wind up reversing the order in the last stanza per your suggestion. Thanks for your time man

"a drowning dog smiles
soaring-
like an eagle. "

Ugh, that line just about killed me. So sad, so poignant.

The two things that could be improved, for me: "delighted senses engage", I'm not convinced engage is the right word, though I know what you're talking about (to turn on, light up, etc)... just felt it wasn't a solid word to leave the line off on. Second is the stand-alone line "Disoriented". Again it's clear and functional, but the word itself and the way it's used acts more like an anchor rather than actually expressing a sense of disorientation to the reader (does that make sense? ). Anyway, those two are just minor nits about word choices. Overall I really, really like this piece

For 'engage' how about 'awaken'?

Thanks for the feedback addy I will look at my word choices more closely.

Hi, Mark.

I think the drifting, inebriated vibe worked in this piece. The yin and yang alongside the vibrancy of raspberry and mahogany mixed with pallid was very complimentary.

I think "yangs" should either be singular or a conjunction "yang's". Disoriented somehow seems too sharp and concrete, even though by definition it is somewhat nebulous. Perhaps something more like "adrift", to compliment the haziness.
Enjoyable, nonetheless.

As far as 'yangs/yang's' I didn't know that was the way to do that and I will edit it.

I also like 'adrift' and will think about replacing that.

Thanks for the feedback, Aish

i like the opening two lines. the use of buds and tongue are done to perfection. the rest of the 1st stanza feels a bit generic. the ying yang thing equates reasonably well the image of it. the last stanza is great.
what i can't see is the connections to the title (unless it's about a moment of memory)

nothing too shoddy

great to see you do a poem I still have me bloody edit to do

thanks for the read

I think I see what you mean and I will take it into consideration when I rewrite. Thanks boss

I don't think you need the punctuation or capital letters. Otherwise this is a charming and sensual poem, which reads like a hot bath with your lover

I am still not sure if I want to go the 'no punctuation or capitals' route. I considered it, but am trying Dale's advice of writing in complete, properly punctuated sentences and then breaking them down into lines and removing excess. I quite like the look of poetry done without punctuation or capitals, but I want to try this style as well.

Thanks for your thoughts, Jack.