06-16-2012, 08:34 AM
"a drowning dog smiles
soaring-
like an eagle. "
Ugh, that line just about killed me. So sad, so poignant.
The two things that could be improved, for me: "delighted senses engage", I'm not convinced engage is the right word, though I know what you're talking about (to turn on, light up, etc)... just felt it wasn't a solid word to leave the line off on. Second is the stand-alone line "Disoriented". Again it's clear and functional, but the word itself and the way it's used acts more like an anchor rather than actually expressing a sense of disorientation to the reader (does that make sense?
). Anyway, those two are just minor nits about word choices. Overall I really, really like this piece 
soaring-
like an eagle. "
Ugh, that line just about killed me. So sad, so poignant.
The two things that could be improved, for me: "delighted senses engage", I'm not convinced engage is the right word, though I know what you're talking about (to turn on, light up, etc)... just felt it wasn't a solid word to leave the line off on. Second is the stand-alone line "Disoriented". Again it's clear and functional, but the word itself and the way it's used acts more like an anchor rather than actually expressing a sense of disorientation to the reader (does that make sense?
). Anyway, those two are just minor nits about word choices. Overall I really, really like this piece
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?