A Moment of Eternity (Rev. 2 Nov '12)

[Philatone]

hello mark. this feels like a new direction for you in some ways. some rapid thoughts

first stanza: like the opening, it feels very fresh and tangible. part of me thinks the last lines should be trimmed to just one because having two abstractions like that can be difficult to pull off.

second stanza: the location of the words "inside" and "outside" was a little jarring for me; I expected the "outside" to be farther along in the line, but perhaps that would mirror the first line too much? although, for a ying and yang, maybe that would be appropriate. this is the stanza I have the least understanding of, but that may not be an actual problem

third: "drowning" is the key word in this stanza for me--at first I thought it was literal, but now I'm not so sure (hotboxing comes to mind). thought about switching the order (apologies if I'm overstepping my bounds):

pleasantly burrowed
into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle,
a drowning dog smiles.

overall:
the structure was interesting to me. the first and last stanzas (5 lines) i get, but the middle ones were interesting, especially with "disoriented" all by itself