06-15-2012, 09:08 AM
"while lay sprawled" ?
While there are some clever lines in S3. I think the point had been made by the send of S2, making most of S3 somewhat gratuitous.
The use of "remoter " seems a tad forced.
The rhythm seems off with
"He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher."
Maybe
He’s a hoodwinker, a hoaxer –
he isn’t even kosher.
Overall a good poem I think, well formed, and lean, especially the first two stanzas, which is probably why stanza 3 sticks out so much, seeming ad hoc and bloated by comparison.
Dale
While there are some clever lines in S3. I think the point had been made by the send of S2, making most of S3 somewhat gratuitous.
The use of "remoter " seems a tad forced.
The rhythm seems off with
"He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher."
Maybe
He’s a hoodwinker, a hoaxer –
he isn’t even kosher.
Overall a good poem I think, well formed, and lean, especially the first two stanzas, which is probably why stanza 3 sticks out so much, seeming ad hoc and bloated by comparison.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.