06-15-2012, 02:31 AM
Located at a "motel".
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"Although not incredibly bright, Try "Though intellect was not her ally," or somesuch. This puts the observation back in to "factuality" rather than in to opinion....yours
she had finally figured out
that you had to slice deep, Watch out for "you had to" because 7 lines down it is "she had to" again. What's wrong with "she had to slice deep" here?"
Yes I agree, I will fix those. Good points.
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"She had to carve deeply downward"
Yes, Billy noted this also, I will probably drop the "downward", which I suspects I put in for the alliterative quality.
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"she wanted to fill the tub " Hyperbole yes, mind reading no. It is just a way of saying that by her actions (cutting along the veins and not across) she did this in such a way she knew she would be dead before the emt's got there.
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Not clear on the last three lines. Oh, I know charcoal burns and all that, but we are talking in a different room. This is medical. Fuller's earth, charcoal absorption etc. Physical not chemical. Not burning...why burning? Help.
Sorry, nothing to do with charcoal. It refers to other people's compassion. Probably need to look at that. I didn't notice the connection. My fault, I presumed too much about readers knowledge of that kind of charcoal.
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"nless you punctuate it it away from the synaptical" did you mean syntactical?
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Oh.. you're back. Welcome. And what a fine day it is. Now you are going to behave, aren't you? Yes to the rest. Quite excellent
Sorry, it can't all be just action.
Boredom is the point.
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Thanks Tommy, and excellent critique! (I do mean that)
Dale
Sorry Geoff, I missed your comments and went straight to Billy's. I'll reply shortly.
Dale
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"Although not incredibly bright, Try "Though intellect was not her ally," or somesuch. This puts the observation back in to "factuality" rather than in to opinion....yours
she had finally figured out
that you had to slice deep, Watch out for "you had to" because 7 lines down it is "she had to" again. What's wrong with "she had to slice deep" here?"
Yes I agree, I will fix those. Good points.
----------------------------------------------------
"She had to carve deeply downward"
Yes, Billy noted this also, I will probably drop the "downward", which I suspects I put in for the alliterative quality.
--------------------------------------------------
"she wanted to fill the tub " Hyperbole yes, mind reading no. It is just a way of saying that by her actions (cutting along the veins and not across) she did this in such a way she knew she would be dead before the emt's got there.
--------------------------------------------------
Not clear on the last three lines. Oh, I know charcoal burns and all that, but we are talking in a different room. This is medical. Fuller's earth, charcoal absorption etc. Physical not chemical. Not burning...why burning? Help.
Sorry, nothing to do with charcoal. It refers to other people's compassion. Probably need to look at that. I didn't notice the connection. My fault, I presumed too much about readers knowledge of that kind of charcoal.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"nless you punctuate it it away from the synaptical" did you mean syntactical?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh.. you're back. Welcome. And what a fine day it is. Now you are going to behave, aren't you? Yes to the rest. Quite excellent
Sorry, it can't all be just action.
Boredom is the point.----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks Tommy, and excellent critique! (I do mean that)
Dale
Sorry Geoff, I missed your comments and went straight to Billy's. I'll reply shortly.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.