The Flood

[billy]

V. 4 on suggestions made by billy and addy

flood

A glance through the window
frames an exodus of drones, works well

pearls of larvae in their teeth
as they abandon their earth good strong image that works well

beneath the apartment feels weak, give it something more, as suggestion would be; A Queendom beneath the apartment though i'm sure you can come up with something better than queendom
for higher ground, worth keeping

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm.

Look at them,
in reach of straws of sun, the two of's jar my reading. can it be re worded?

waiting for a storm to pass
and water to lower like a bridge

while our blinds are open as daylight i think this was okay
fumes into grey and into black. this was the problem line, i'm guessing you want to intimate that light is replacing the greys and black of the showed placed?

i think you over did the edit by making it shorter, you have room for the two couplets you removed, if you don't like or want them, edit them. 9 was good, 7 is weaker. and gives you less chance to show the image.

as always i enjoy watching your edits grow the poem to be the best it can be.

thanks for the read and edit.