06-10-2012, 05:50 PM
Geoff,
It's a really nice idea, I like it a lot, but the execution seems to suffer some. I get the impression that for some reason you are trying to avoid using the obvious choice even when it would work better. To me, there is a sort of awkwardness throughout based on such choices, and granted this is a stylistic choice, but in this case I think it has effects that weaken the poem. I'll highlight some:
S1
"It is easy to remove photographs
from a card assigned to a camera;"
why not
It is easy to erase photographs
form the camera's memory card
Same sort of thing in the next stanza.
S3
"before paneling was stripped by hammer and chisel in a pair of slender hands." (also unnecessary ambiguity as to what the hands are holding)
"before the paneling was stripped by a hammer and chisel held in a slender pair of hands."
(As you are under no form that restricts you in anyway,I see no point in removing parts of speech that are needed for clarity. It might be different if you were using a form that limited you in line length, but that is not the case here.)
I won't do this line by line, but there seems similar types of awkwardness throughout, such as this imbalance in equivalence
between "table and chandelier" and "kitchen counter"
much better "dining table" and "kitchen counter"
Maybe instead of " conversion" which is easy to read as conversation (at least it was for me as I actually did), use something like "transformation"
I think it would be nice if you played more on the ambiguity of the memory in the camera, and human memory, using comparable wording for the descriptors, and treat this as an extended metaphor
such as instead of "We only lose" We've erased only the..."
or
"Gone is the record of the conversion" to "Gone from memory is the dining room, before..."
Phrasing it as "Gone from memory..." it can refer to either human memory/memories, of digital storage.
Using an extended metaphor in this way would create a stronger connection between the "memories", as well as create a smoother transition.
I'm not sure I buy the equivalence between erased and forgotten, as you seem to be stating it, at least to me. Some uncertainty through a slight ambivalence might benefit. Maybe the last stanza instead of synonyms for erased, something like
erased and...forgotten
Anyway, those are my thoughts, make of them what you will
Dale
It's a really nice idea, I like it a lot, but the execution seems to suffer some. I get the impression that for some reason you are trying to avoid using the obvious choice even when it would work better. To me, there is a sort of awkwardness throughout based on such choices, and granted this is a stylistic choice, but in this case I think it has effects that weaken the poem. I'll highlight some:
S1
"It is easy to remove photographs
from a card assigned to a camera;"
why not
It is easy to erase photographs
form the camera's memory card
Same sort of thing in the next stanza.
S3
"before paneling was stripped by hammer and chisel in a pair of slender hands." (also unnecessary ambiguity as to what the hands are holding)
"before the paneling was stripped by a hammer and chisel held in a slender pair of hands."
(As you are under no form that restricts you in anyway,I see no point in removing parts of speech that are needed for clarity. It might be different if you were using a form that limited you in line length, but that is not the case here.)
I won't do this line by line, but there seems similar types of awkwardness throughout, such as this imbalance in equivalence
between "table and chandelier" and "kitchen counter"
much better "dining table" and "kitchen counter"
Maybe instead of " conversion" which is easy to read as conversation (at least it was for me as I actually did), use something like "transformation"
I think it would be nice if you played more on the ambiguity of the memory in the camera, and human memory, using comparable wording for the descriptors, and treat this as an extended metaphor
such as instead of "We only lose" We've erased only the..."
or
"Gone is the record of the conversion" to "Gone from memory is the dining room, before..."
Phrasing it as "Gone from memory..." it can refer to either human memory/memories, of digital storage.
Using an extended metaphor in this way would create a stronger connection between the "memories", as well as create a smoother transition.
I'm not sure I buy the equivalence between erased and forgotten, as you seem to be stating it, at least to me. Some uncertainty through a slight ambivalence might benefit. Maybe the last stanza instead of synonyms for erased, something like
erased and...forgotten
Anyway, those are my thoughts, make of them what you will
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.