Life Obscene

[billy]

I revamped it recently, but I don't feel like I tightened it up enough. I especially don't like S3 :|

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A life lacking meaning, a societal thrall,
the melancholy prince of nothing at all, better line for an opener as it's the one that would draw the reader in for more
gazes into endless colours, blurring, losing, feels weak
technology static but of his own chosing.

His riches are endless and flow like a flood,
beach palace is painted with innocent blood,
they say he has earnt it, like he earned his fate, i think earnt is the past tense so both should be the same (though it's odds on others will have their own opinions)
that those at the top deserve all they create.

So small people in factories slave far away, so isn't needed and screws with the meter
to engorge his capital the people must pay,
but we justify this for our secret delight,
we'll slip into his shoes as is our... right.

He tastes chemical flavour, gluttonous fool's feast,
devours all and thus becomes obesity's beast,
their children are violated with their greed,
illusions of pleasure, they planted that seed.

His elegant beauty turns to some skeletal lust,
perfection or pain, her dreams fall to dust,
her starvation is radiant, as is her dread,
eyes so bright and fair, so hopelessly dead.

In false smiles they sip sweet poisons in vain,
shedding the agony of their descent to insane,
rotting to their core, they then deign to choke,
they do this themselves, on acrid clouds of smoke.

They are repulsive, their words convulse with hate,
they are depraved, alone, they no longer relate,
they have only regret, their world has lost shape,
they have created a hell with no end or escape.

if the meter is tightened up a bit the flow of the poem would enhance the read. most of the lines begin with a nondescript word which weakens the core of the poem. a few clichés that could be sorted out pretty easily
the content is fairly solid though it needs more originality for you to own it. the title fits the poem as is; with an edit it will really come into its own.
thanks for the read.