06-08-2012, 10:34 PM
@addy
Thanks! Really appreciate it.
I can totally feel the inconsistant meter : s I really find it hard to write in a proper meter though. I'm just going to have to work harder. I can hear it, but I struggle with writing it.
Yeeees, I totally get your comment about loosely strung imagery! I know I need to fix it. Do you have any tip as to how? Would perhaps changing the structure and adding some connective lines fix it, or does it need a rewrite completely?
I love your suggestion for switching the first two lines. I will definitely put that in an edit.
Mm, you're right about losing. I'll think of a better word.
I'm glad you noticed the imagery tying in! I do try, but sometimes I focus too much on meaning and lose the imagery.
Yeah not happy with stanza 3. I think it needs total revision.
You know what, I never questioned why I put "some" : / Good point.
I did want to convey the idea of a metaphorial family representing the culture of the rich and famous. He represents corporate business owners, and she is meant to represent the celebrity culture. The children mentioned in S2 are just meant to imply that this is passed on through generations (like people get infected with the desire to become rich/famous) - would it perhaps be better to alternate between the two? Rather then have them in two seperate chunks?
The last stanza bores me and I want to rewrite it. The "they" are still the "couple".
Thanks! Really appreciate it.
I can totally feel the inconsistant meter : s I really find it hard to write in a proper meter though. I'm just going to have to work harder. I can hear it, but I struggle with writing it.
Yeeees, I totally get your comment about loosely strung imagery! I know I need to fix it. Do you have any tip as to how? Would perhaps changing the structure and adding some connective lines fix it, or does it need a rewrite completely?
I love your suggestion for switching the first two lines. I will definitely put that in an edit.
Mm, you're right about losing. I'll think of a better word.
I'm glad you noticed the imagery tying in! I do try, but sometimes I focus too much on meaning and lose the imagery.
Yeah not happy with stanza 3. I think it needs total revision.
You know what, I never questioned why I put "some" : / Good point.
I did want to convey the idea of a metaphorial family representing the culture of the rich and famous. He represents corporate business owners, and she is meant to represent the celebrity culture. The children mentioned in S2 are just meant to imply that this is passed on through generations (like people get infected with the desire to become rich/famous) - would it perhaps be better to alternate between the two? Rather then have them in two seperate chunks?
The last stanza bores me and I want to rewrite it. The "they" are still the "couple".