instead of weeks you could just start with;
an age of chem....
or
chemical abuse lea.....
i note the wet weather remark
we live in the philippines which is monsoon season twice a year, if we're not wet from rain we're wet from humidity. that said, even the homeless sleep under cover when they can. (doorways etc)
the syntax archaic thing; it's common in many peoples poetry for a while and after enough people have mentioned it enough times they begin to think it's only right when used properly; ie, in a period poem, in a consistent way that left no doubt it was done with a purpose.
the clothes line (pun intended )
clothes are torn and dirty, flesh is wet and cold (if he's indigent, it's a given he'll be open to the elements (rain) at some time or other....unless he lives in a desert country...we can't see it's the uk from the text
we can't assume the reader knows something we haven't mentioned.
sallow flesh and clothes merge into dirt-grained grey
now it's been mentioned (the title) i like how it works but unless you told me i'd have always felt it was about a fallen rockstar
considering this is mild critique forum. you took the feedback well. try and get rid of bad habits (the ones you do without knowing or the ones you think are quirky and eccentric :hysterical and if you're brave enough use what can from what you get to do an edit.
ps, jump in on some of the poetry discussion threads, ask questions post question, you'll be surprised at some of the replies. (a few of the site animals have something solid to give when it comes to learning how to write poetry (i'm definitely not one of them
)
an age of chem....
or
chemical abuse lea.....
i note the wet weather remark
we live in the philippines which is monsoon season twice a year, if we're not wet from rain we're wet from humidity. that said, even the homeless sleep under cover when they can. (doorways etc)the syntax archaic thing; it's common in many peoples poetry for a while and after enough people have mentioned it enough times they begin to think it's only right when used properly; ie, in a period poem, in a consistent way that left no doubt it was done with a purpose.
the clothes line (pun intended
)clothes are torn and dirty, flesh is wet and cold (if he's indigent, it's a given he'll be open to the elements (rain) at some time or other....unless he lives in a desert country...we can't see it's the uk from the text
we can't assume the reader knows something we haven't mentioned.sallow flesh and clothes merge into dirt-grained grey
now it's been mentioned (the title) i like how it works but unless you told me i'd have always felt it was about a fallen rockstar
considering this is mild critique forum. you took the feedback well. try and get rid of bad habits (the ones you do without knowing or the ones you think are quirky and eccentric :hysterical
and if you're brave enough use what can from what you get to do an edit.ps, jump in on some of the poetry discussion threads, ask questions post question, you'll be surprised at some of the replies. (a few of the site animals have something solid to give when it comes to learning how to write poetry (i'm definitely not one of them
)