06-07-2012, 10:50 PM
Hello Billy. The poem unfolds nicely, I'm only a little disappointed that "scalped" hasn't found its way in somewhere.
I think "the government green" would make it immediately clearer that the boys aren't wearing green!
The weakest part of the poem is here, I think.
Tin bowl on head, I snigger with fear.
A knee connects to my ribcage.
Winded, I double up. The bowl falls.
In silence, the pain wraps itself
around black size tens.
Eventually i complain in anger.
I think you could cut those last 3 lines, make it more pointed.
The last line of the poem is a great finish.
I think "the government green" would make it immediately clearer that the boys aren't wearing green!
The weakest part of the poem is here, I think.
Tin bowl on head, I snigger with fear.
A knee connects to my ribcage.
Winded, I double up. The bowl falls.
In silence, the pain wraps itself
around black size tens.
Eventually i complain in anger.
I think you could cut those last 3 lines, make it more pointed.
The last line of the poem is a great finish.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.