06-07-2012, 08:42 PM
Hello Todd. It took me a while to get more than an inkling of what's going on but I'm warming to the poem.I like first 2 verses, sharp, to the point and vintage/narrative are nice endings.
Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface
"been" seems unnecessarily bland, neutral.
Can afterimage be one word?
that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt
This verse, and the preceding one, are powerful. Without really being able to explain why, I'd like
words reduced to faint
scratches in the dirt.
Not sure you need "into the air".
Death, it seems, always comes - you need commas.
I think "rationalisation" is damaging the last verse, both its length and its weight. Something like "excuse" maybe?
Enjoyed the poem.
Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface
"been" seems unnecessarily bland, neutral.
Can afterimage be one word?
that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt
This verse, and the preceding one, are powerful. Without really being able to explain why, I'd like
words reduced to faint
scratches in the dirt.
Not sure you need "into the air".
Death, it seems, always comes - you need commas.
I think "rationalisation" is damaging the last verse, both its length and its weight. Something like "excuse" maybe?
Enjoyed the poem.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.