06-07-2012, 07:35 PM
Thanks guys! Really appreciate the comments.
@Addy
I understand your point about P.O.V and if I come up with something better I will do. Any suggestions?
And have you ever worked with homeless people? It's a wet world outside. Damp clothes. Especially as I live in the UK, which is a wet, cold country.
Thanks for pointing out cadence change, I thought something was up in that line. I'll try and get on it. I'm not great at editting my own poetry if it's a new write! Old writes I find easy. Suggestions are therefore loved.
I know it's old english syntax, but it is in my writing. I'll be honest, as I say to everyone who points it out, I don't do it on purpose, it's just because I'm odd. It's like I'm sometimes possessed by an old writer! If it's really that disruptive, I'll try harder to moniter myself to prevent it from happening, but I've always thought it was just a bit quirky/eccentric and essentially harmless. But then, my misperception is why I'm bringing my poetry here!
Ahh, I'm going to assume you've never smoked crack. Well, me neither, but pretty damn close, you know. By spirit flies, I'm actually referring to the hit from a crack pipe. It is meant to sound optimistic though, because I'm trying to express to you how it feels to be high like that. Real escapism. Thus the "lies".
@billy
Do you know what... I really don't know why I picked weeks. I think when I started the poem, I was going to make it about someone who has only just started smoking crack. But then he evolved into a long-term crack addict. I might change it to years. Suits him more.
That clothes/flesh line is generic and boring. Any suggestions? I want to convey his general appearance of disrepair.
Ahh everybody hates thus! oh wai. I love the word, I think it should be used more often in modern english. I think I secretly hope one day if I use it enough, it'll make a comeback.
Oh, the title was just me trying to be clever :v He's not really a rockstar. I was playing on the conventional idea of a has-been rockstar becoming a junkie, and the fact "rock" is common slang for crack. He's a crackstar really. King of the crack. I do want to take your advice on more imagery less story, though. I will do.
@Mark
Shh, of course they rhyme! : P What ever do you mean.
Haha, I'm not bothered, I don't mind weak rhymes. Also, I'm very good at making things rhyme when saying them out loud by making both words conform to each other a little bit. And for me, poetry is all about the readings. If I can conjure up a better rhyme for them, I will do, but I go on and off rhymes a lot. I'm going through a really bad habit at the moment of forcing poems to rhyme.
Thanks a lot!
@Addy
I understand your point about P.O.V and if I come up with something better I will do. Any suggestions?
And have you ever worked with homeless people? It's a wet world outside. Damp clothes. Especially as I live in the UK, which is a wet, cold country.
Thanks for pointing out cadence change, I thought something was up in that line. I'll try and get on it. I'm not great at editting my own poetry if it's a new write! Old writes I find easy. Suggestions are therefore loved.
I know it's old english syntax, but it is in my writing. I'll be honest, as I say to everyone who points it out, I don't do it on purpose, it's just because I'm odd. It's like I'm sometimes possessed by an old writer! If it's really that disruptive, I'll try harder to moniter myself to prevent it from happening, but I've always thought it was just a bit quirky/eccentric and essentially harmless. But then, my misperception is why I'm bringing my poetry here!
Ahh, I'm going to assume you've never smoked crack. Well, me neither, but pretty damn close, you know. By spirit flies, I'm actually referring to the hit from a crack pipe. It is meant to sound optimistic though, because I'm trying to express to you how it feels to be high like that. Real escapism. Thus the "lies".
@billy
Do you know what... I really don't know why I picked weeks. I think when I started the poem, I was going to make it about someone who has only just started smoking crack. But then he evolved into a long-term crack addict. I might change it to years. Suits him more.
That clothes/flesh line is generic and boring. Any suggestions? I want to convey his general appearance of disrepair.
Ahh everybody hates thus! oh wai. I love the word, I think it should be used more often in modern english. I think I secretly hope one day if I use it enough, it'll make a comeback.
Oh, the title was just me trying to be clever :v He's not really a rockstar. I was playing on the conventional idea of a has-been rockstar becoming a junkie, and the fact "rock" is common slang for crack. He's a crackstar really. King of the crack. I do want to take your advice on more imagery less story, though. I will do.
@Mark
Shh, of course they rhyme! : P What ever do you mean.
Haha, I'm not bothered, I don't mind weak rhymes. Also, I'm very good at making things rhyme when saying them out loud by making both words conform to each other a little bit. And for me, poetry is all about the readings. If I can conjure up a better rhyme for them, I will do, but I go on and off rhymes a lot. I'm going through a really bad habit at the moment of forcing poems to rhyme.
Thanks a lot!