06-05-2012, 02:01 PM
hey chaotic!
+'s
emotion is great, I can feel that you really want to get into this piece
I think the topic is perfect for it (though not exactly fresh)
the second stanza gave me a bit more to play with, to be honest. I think that is the heart of the poem
-'s
lots of description (which is fine), but I don't get a sense of a lot of action happening. In a sense, this poem relates a single second. why not show a progression? I think it would develop elements of a story and give the reader a bit more to hang on to (e.g., rather than say they are searching for a daughter, can you narrate the search, even for just a line or two?)
the ending, with a lot of potential to be strong, seems a bit forced. it simply tells too much. I wouldn't let your intention and desire to express an emotion get the best of your words; otherwise, the reader is kind of beaten over the head with what you want to say. why not describe an episode of memory of a child? why do I have to be told?
just some things to ponder. take what you like, if any
+'s
emotion is great, I can feel that you really want to get into this piece
I think the topic is perfect for it (though not exactly fresh)
the second stanza gave me a bit more to play with, to be honest. I think that is the heart of the poem
-'s
lots of description (which is fine), but I don't get a sense of a lot of action happening. In a sense, this poem relates a single second. why not show a progression? I think it would develop elements of a story and give the reader a bit more to hang on to (e.g., rather than say they are searching for a daughter, can you narrate the search, even for just a line or two?)
the ending, with a lot of potential to be strong, seems a bit forced. it simply tells too much. I wouldn't let your intention and desire to express an emotion get the best of your words; otherwise, the reader is kind of beaten over the head with what you want to say. why not describe an episode of memory of a child? why do I have to be told?
just some things to ponder. take what you like, if any
Written only for you to consider.