Love and war

[addy]

Picture doesn't work for me

Here are a few of my thoughts on the piece, hope they're worthwhile

(v1.1)


Soldier saviour is "saviour" necessary? saves the son, but buries the father-
In, the punctuation here is odd. in the first version it was clearer caseload of lead shed from bullion-beautiful gold;
In Christian God's word, widow-fingers catch and tremble, I like "widow-fingers" What do you mean by "In Christian God's word"? I'm guessing it's a funeral, but it sounds off and vague.
Losing like dug soil across the cold dusk of sandland-
Faith in humanity. the phrasing again makes this hard to read. "Faith lost like dug soil..." sounds much clearer

A year away: soldiers' souls torn in the silence of solemn report
That the villagers will find, no need for comma a dead daughter amongst mortar fragments.
Unwitting, the killer cries, slumped with his head in his hands.
Like a memory felt along the scar of a once-split head,
This will jerk back when he sees children. I think the penultimate line makes for a better close than this one. How about "The sight of children like a memory felt along the scar of a once-split head"? Just a quick suggestion

Thanks for the read