06-05-2012, 10:45 AM
hey todd, really quick look at the revision. overall, it feels tighter while maintaining its previous strength
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable
The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous
...yes, this fits more as a introduction
You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage.
Only a plane, a parachute, ...the "only" threw me off a bit
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.
Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface. ...really enjoyed the separation and images in this stanza. can't help but think of underground tests as well as more political and social undertones
Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
in the cloud that rose ...minor nit, but when the lines surrounding it are so long, this line felt rather short
above the water, in the quiet
that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt....great image
We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.
The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river...."bodies" felt very literal in a series of images that is much more figurative
Death it seems always comes
from the water.
The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.
Gojira, Gojira, Gojira...and a much more fitting close in and of itself
Written only for you to consider.