06-05-2012, 09:15 AM
First of all thanks (again) to everyone here for the constructive input! I'm really glad of it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armadillo_(film)
Technically you can call anything art (or call anything worthless). I'm sorry if I make it difficult for you to criticize my work for not using a good writing standard.. unfortunately I'm not willing to invest such great time and effort. I'm not even sure how it should be read. But, I'd like my writing to be criticized with all this given, if that's doable.
Yeah I understand I should leave some things for the reader to discover (subtlety) without being too cryptic. I had another go. But I think I need a much longer piece of writing to convey some of the mixed messages in there originally. (my fault for trying with such a short piece)
"Also, none of this helps to convey the idea of the horror that the soldier experiences from knowing what he did. "
I was trying to connect the idea that both sides lose in war, and the tragedy more than anything in that notion of recalling war in civilian life (the film does this a lot better..)
But I really like it as a quick read, I think it has value. I just need to better attempt those aims so that it actually makes sense for others to read. Sorry that I'm still not quite getting the hang of this!
(06-03-2012, 04:25 AM)Erthona Wrote: Not to be unkind, but I would say there is little that does work. This subject is already over the top and emotionally charged enough, it really doesn't need augmentation, as just the simple facts would probably be enough to have an impact. Given that, I don't see anything you are doing to be something that will "work" as it is in opposition to the nature of the subject.I'm not sure there is such a well-defined subject or standard I *absolutely need* to adhere to.. (or a form of writing for that matter,) take for instance the film I drew inspiration from.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armadillo_(film)
Technically you can call anything art (or call anything worthless). I'm sorry if I make it difficult for you to criticize my work for not using a good writing standard.. unfortunately I'm not willing to invest such great time and effort. I'm not even sure how it should be read. But, I'd like my writing to be criticized with all this given, if that's doable.
Yeah I understand I should leave some things for the reader to discover (subtlety) without being too cryptic. I had another go. But I think I need a much longer piece of writing to convey some of the mixed messages in there originally. (my fault for trying with such a short piece)
"Also, none of this helps to convey the idea of the horror that the soldier experiences from knowing what he did. "
I was trying to connect the idea that both sides lose in war, and the tragedy more than anything in that notion of recalling war in civilian life (the film does this a lot better..)
But I really like it as a quick read, I think it has value. I just need to better attempt those aims so that it actually makes sense for others to read. Sorry that I'm still not quite getting the hang of this!
(06-03-2012, 04:25 AM)Erthona Wrote: I'm all for pushing the boundary in terms of metaphor, or fresh images, but I am also for doing it in such a way that you take the reader along with you, so I think Tectak's point is well taken, by using these "free-floating" idioms, it turns the poem into nonsense.Yeah that's fair. I recognize that my understandings of the words like 'slump' are.. creative. I think the 'bullion-beautiful gold' in version 2 is good enough though. I think that's valid to say that gold being beautiful is also the reason for war. But that's the limit of the medium maybe, I want substance and form. Well, I will attempt it again sometime soon anyway.