06-03-2012, 04:25 AM
"I want to know what works and what really doesn't."
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Not to be unkind, but I would say there is little that does work. This subject is already over the top and emotionally charged enough, it really doesn't need augmentation, as just the simple facts would probably be enough to have an impact. Given that, I don't see anything you are doing to be something that will "work" as it is in opposition to the nature of the subject.
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These specially do not work because mostly they make no sense to me, or because they are descriptions that do not fit with the tone of the poem.
The saviour saves the son, but buries the father (Savior?)
a caseload of lead shed
bullion beautiful gold
someone hugs the slump
In the cold dusk of the sandland let slip like dug soil-
Like the scars of split heads,
Idioms work because they are connected to something else or have devolved from something else. On top of that you are using words incorrectly, such as "slump". It can be used as a noun as in "he was in a slump", but it is nonsensical to use it to describe a person. "bullion" in most instances means gold, so it makes little sense to describe gold in those terms.
I get the "sandland" reference, but it is out of tone with the poem, it's like saying, "the soldier buried his head in his hands and said, "nighty-night".
of split heads: I haven't a clue
Also, none of this helps to convey the idea of the horror that the soldier experiences from knowing what he did.
I'm all for pushing the boundary in terms of metaphor, or fresh images, but I am also for doing it in such a way that you take the reader along with you, so I think Tectak's point is well taken, by using these "free-floating" idioms, it turns the poem into nonsense.
Dale
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Not to be unkind, but I would say there is little that does work. This subject is already over the top and emotionally charged enough, it really doesn't need augmentation, as just the simple facts would probably be enough to have an impact. Given that, I don't see anything you are doing to be something that will "work" as it is in opposition to the nature of the subject.
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These specially do not work because mostly they make no sense to me, or because they are descriptions that do not fit with the tone of the poem.
The saviour saves the son, but buries the father (Savior?)
a caseload of lead shed
bullion beautiful gold
someone hugs the slump
In the cold dusk of the sandland let slip like dug soil-
Like the scars of split heads,
Idioms work because they are connected to something else or have devolved from something else. On top of that you are using words incorrectly, such as "slump". It can be used as a noun as in "he was in a slump", but it is nonsensical to use it to describe a person. "bullion" in most instances means gold, so it makes little sense to describe gold in those terms.
I get the "sandland" reference, but it is out of tone with the poem, it's like saying, "the soldier buried his head in his hands and said, "nighty-night".
of split heads: I haven't a clue
Also, none of this helps to convey the idea of the horror that the soldier experiences from knowing what he did.
I'm all for pushing the boundary in terms of metaphor, or fresh images, but I am also for doing it in such a way that you take the reader along with you, so I think Tectak's point is well taken, by using these "free-floating" idioms, it turns the poem into nonsense.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.