06-02-2012, 07:14 AM
Thanks for the comments, very helpful.
Dale. The poem was inspired, if that's the right word, by an Alan Bennett monologue. The character reveals himself through the course of the poem. Stage props seems to me a valid means to enable this. There is a connectedness in the poem and the last verse I'm more than happy with. Not so keen on parts of 4th and 5th verse in particular, the tower block lines for instance.
Todd. That's very helpful, thanks.Although these lines you highlighted are the favourites to be cut.
Blow these pictures up out of proportion
and maybe we’d spot the germ of a future:
leukaemia, cancer, emphysema,
buried deep within a Russian doll.
And thanks, Philatone. It's a bit disturbing that two of you felt surgery was being referred to, that's not it at all!I was looking for an abrupt transition at the final 2 lines so that's fine.
Tectak. I've not come across the phrase commitment verse before. I think I know what you mean. No, the poem was imagined, though there is borrowing from real-life events. Does it matter, do you think?
I've written a lot of stuff on a site called Poets' Graves.
Dale. The poem was inspired, if that's the right word, by an Alan Bennett monologue. The character reveals himself through the course of the poem. Stage props seems to me a valid means to enable this. There is a connectedness in the poem and the last verse I'm more than happy with. Not so keen on parts of 4th and 5th verse in particular, the tower block lines for instance.
Todd. That's very helpful, thanks.Although these lines you highlighted are the favourites to be cut.
Blow these pictures up out of proportion
and maybe we’d spot the germ of a future:
leukaemia, cancer, emphysema,
buried deep within a Russian doll.
And thanks, Philatone. It's a bit disturbing that two of you felt surgery was being referred to, that's not it at all!I was looking for an abrupt transition at the final 2 lines so that's fine.
Tectak. I've not come across the phrase commitment verse before. I think I know what you mean. No, the poem was imagined, though there is borrowing from real-life events. Does it matter, do you think?
I've written a lot of stuff on a site called Poets' Graves.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.