06-01-2012, 10:37 PM
Geoff,
The idea at the end of creating a myth out of the ants need to flee the flood, if it were tied back in to explain our own flood myth could be a good one (although that is only hinted at). If it is to cast the humans as neglectful gods, I don't see the basis for that. Not does your statements at the end seem to be supported well.
"the way rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth,
myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed."
"rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth"
If I clean this up it reads:
Rain eats into the dirt of ant trails the same as it eats into stories of creation and rebirth
I see no evidence for the second part, that it eats into stories... So it come as no surprise that your conclusion "myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed" would make no sense either, and this would be on top of it to overcome poor structure/grammar, which makes the last line almost nonsensical. Only by inferring the title into this can I even see a vague hint of how you seemed to mean this to appear. What? Are you trying to compete with me for worst poem of the week?
Dale
The idea at the end of creating a myth out of the ants need to flee the flood, if it were tied back in to explain our own flood myth could be a good one (although that is only hinted at). If it is to cast the humans as neglectful gods, I don't see the basis for that. Not does your statements at the end seem to be supported well.
"the way rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth,
myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed."
"rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth"
If I clean this up it reads:
Rain eats into the dirt of ant trails the same as it eats into stories of creation and rebirth
I see no evidence for the second part, that it eats into stories... So it come as no surprise that your conclusion "myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed" would make no sense either, and this would be on top of it to overcome poor structure/grammar, which makes the last line almost nonsensical. Only by inferring the title into this can I even see a vague hint of how you seemed to mean this to appear. What? Are you trying to compete with me for worst poem of the week?
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.