06-01-2012, 05:49 PM
I see what you're trying to say with this. IMO it comes across like you're telling me a story rather than showing me a story with your words. I've got some other nits with this over some of the phrasing which is a bit weak in its execution. I'll come back to this when I've got more time.
Indie
Indie
"Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them." - Friedrich Nietzsche

