05-31-2012, 11:13 PM
penguin,
This is an interesting recollection, or sketch, which would be fine on it's own. The problem for me is there are these intrusions of attempted something, such as the comments about the "Russian doll", which make the original comments seem contrived: like a stage prop purposely set on the table for later use. Then there is the injection of this kind of oddly worded comment that seems to apply to nothing
"Behind us I trace the faintest whisper
of the tower blocks blown in ’88."
These lines are nicely done
"When lights fade I think I can hear you breathing,
but it’s central heating or a noise in the loft.
I close the windows to keep your scent in,
I reach out to touch an amputation; "
But like several of these other parts the last two lines pop in as though they are suppose to have some kind of greater significance when it seems they have none.
"You never see pictures taken at funerals
unless somebody important has died. "
..but they always take them at weddings? I suppose that is true, but I don't see that as particularly worth commenting on.
I also have to wonder about such line as
"I found the last remaining wedding photo
behind a doll in our daughter’s room. "
and is that because there was a wedding photo explosion? i have no idea why it would be there, why it would be the last, or why you are coming across them as though picking them up, nor do I see the significance of that. I could go on, such as the comparing of your parents wedding photo with this one, why note your mother being fatter, or that there is an ashtray.
Yes, I note these comments, and...? There are just a whole lot of items here that have little inherent significance, nor are they connected in any obvious way
I suppose one could interpret as being sort of an Imagist poem in the Pound, or H.D style, except the last stanza interjects a little too much subjectivity for it to be that sort of unemotional cataloging that they were so fond of.
Sorry, I really haven't a clue what idea you are working with here.
Dale
This is an interesting recollection, or sketch, which would be fine on it's own. The problem for me is there are these intrusions of attempted something, such as the comments about the "Russian doll", which make the original comments seem contrived: like a stage prop purposely set on the table for later use. Then there is the injection of this kind of oddly worded comment that seems to apply to nothing
"Behind us I trace the faintest whisper
of the tower blocks blown in ’88."
These lines are nicely done
"When lights fade I think I can hear you breathing,
but it’s central heating or a noise in the loft.
I close the windows to keep your scent in,
I reach out to touch an amputation; "
But like several of these other parts the last two lines pop in as though they are suppose to have some kind of greater significance when it seems they have none.
"You never see pictures taken at funerals
unless somebody important has died. "
..but they always take them at weddings? I suppose that is true, but I don't see that as particularly worth commenting on.
I also have to wonder about such line as
"I found the last remaining wedding photo
behind a doll in our daughter’s room. "
and is that because there was a wedding photo explosion? i have no idea why it would be there, why it would be the last, or why you are coming across them as though picking them up, nor do I see the significance of that. I could go on, such as the comparing of your parents wedding photo with this one, why note your mother being fatter, or that there is an ashtray.
Yes, I note these comments, and...? There are just a whole lot of items here that have little inherent significance, nor are they connected in any obvious way
I suppose one could interpret as being sort of an Imagist poem in the Pound, or H.D style, except the last stanza interjects a little too much subjectivity for it to be that sort of unemotional cataloging that they were so fond of.
Sorry, I really haven't a clue what idea you are working with here.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.