05-31-2012, 08:28 AM
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 1qyite a large edit. i like the stanza move to open the poem and the haiku works better at the top. same with the new 2nd stanza.
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable
The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous
You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth distilled into such
bitter vintage.
Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.
Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface.
Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
and in the cloud that rose
above the water,
and in the quiet that seeps
into each of us, into the bones
leaving us aphasic, words reduced
to faint scratches in the dirt.
We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.
The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water.
The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.
Gojira, Gojira, Gojira
i liked the original, i like this better. it has more a sense of purpose in it's telling.
one nit i have; some of the and's at the beginning of some sentences feel like packing., as do some of the other small sentence starters.
That crater is his footprint. (the to that)
The only truth, (comma)
no one escaped ('the' removed)
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.
just niggardly points i know though they are just suggestions for your perusal.
i do like where you took it.