Where Dost Madness Dwell?
#4
hello, arachne
some thoughts

(05-30-2012, 02:19 AM)Arachne Wrote:  I am in the mood for another poem bashing. Hit me.

Where Dost Madness Dwell?...don't think this line is necessary if it is the title as well
If insanity dwells within
And heresy is accused..couldn't help but wonder "of what"? the line felt a bit unfinished
Rest on the laurels of the base
Or be defiled of thine own being
Madness is what controlled men fear...an apostrophe or period would work wonders
Their animal lurks beneath their wool clothes.."animal" is vaguer than it needs to be. the image below is too cliche; can you make it new?
Like a wolf in sheep's skinned stealth
The true blade lies within this sheath o skin
Double edged yet bloodless ...i'm struggling with the contradiction; how "bloodless" and "double edged" relate to each other
More runs through the veins in a leaf
Than bears metal in thine arteries
O petrified forest of men
Whose hearts have turned to stone... like the idea, but "petrified" already conveys that "turned to stone". if anything, this line could be removed so that the forest and plant images come through stronger
Whose legs have taken root to ground
Whose branches no longer expand
Dare to think like a mad hatter or a March hare
And allow Sherwood to thrive ~ Arachne
punctuation would have helped my read, to be sure I had the reading you wanted from me.

hopefully, some of these can be of use. the language and word choice is good for the tone you desire, I think. Some of the images just need some bolstering
Written only for you to consider.
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Messages In This Thread
Where Dost Madness Dwell? - by Arachne - 05-30-2012, 02:19 AM
RE: Where Dost Madness Dwell? - by billy - 05-30-2012, 10:25 AM
RE: Where Dost Madness Dwell? - by addy - 05-30-2012, 10:58 AM
RE: Where Dost Madness Dwell? - by Philatone - 05-30-2012, 12:11 PM



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