STAY AWHILE~

[Arachne]

Please read the comments at end first.
Grey swells adorn the horizon and sprinkle lightly upon the earth
The roar of thunder is heard in the distance whilst I seek the crash of lightthird person and first person are confused in the opening lines. either you, the writer, are relating this story or the rest of us are as in "thunder is heard" rather than "I hear the roar of..." . Same problems next line then back to first person. "crash of light" is a nonsensical simile which disturbs the confidence in the meteorological credibility of the writer,
Alas, only the roar is heardrepeat of roar, alas
Cool are the drops that I graspYoda speak. Why not " I grasp the cool drops". If there was any rhytm to the piece which must rigorously be adhered to, then there may be some purpose in the mangled english. I fear thet the worst is yet to come.
Escaping though tightly clenched fingers as gravity has its way
East, west, north, and south there is no sight of blueWhat connects this line and the line above? Answer. The absence of punctuation. That is all. There does nor seem to be any attempt to lead from gravity to sans blue.
Ah, but the green! The green is seenDreadful contrivance which seems unnoticed. Ah, the green is seen, that green I mean that's seen in beans. Yuk. This needs looking at. The "Ah", is probasbly a little over-dramatic in its context. A sigh of such heartfelt sincerity would warrant a much more captivating vista than the green, the green that's seen
Lush and glorious
Intoxicating the nostrils with every breathI have never come across intoxicated nostrils....what happens? Do they fall over or are they just swaying about. This is not poetic licence...this is poor metaphor.
Eyes closed dismiss the unnatural sounds making way to silence undisturbedEXCELLENT! Though we still have hearing eyes. Needs tightening up.
Journeys need not be made via transport of the usual kindSuddenly, we are in the middle of a Public Information Broadcast. Not genre sensitive. This line is totally out of place. It is in rhe wrong poem. Again, I fear it will get much, much worse
Nay! My mind takes me where I chooseYahooooo. This is just so bad it is GREAT. Where are we now? The NAYS have it, but what are we naysaying about? I have no idea!
Light the skies oh nature's formGot to be a typo, please let it be a typo. Must be "of", surely!
The bolts of the gods fly mighty
The land and sea take fancy to the storm
As life twirls about in ecstasy
Driven sideways, air has it way with waterGone. Lost me. No idea what or more importantly, when, I am
Ah...some mistake here, surely. This is an accidental copying in of another poem, yes? It would appear to be about 1500 years too late and by someone else. I shall not crit it. Anyway, it is making me cringe sire, forsooth. Pray dost thoe knowest the perpetrator of this lack lustre tale. Prithhe advise, for I am fayne twer its am gelding or an lamb. And firtermor, I am an hairy ma, forsooth.....oh, enoygh already. I need a dring from my holy grail.
Weary traveler, take thy time with thy hostess
Let she sup with thee
Thy cup emptied shall be filled tenfold
And thy plate engorgedHuh?
Tis mine the fancy to fulfill thee
Where dost thou roam on lonely roads
Whose only avenue is a new fork or cross
Where dost decision play in thy mind?
To what end is thy journey?
Stay awhile
My hand wands and waves the quarters assuring the shareHuh? agn. Crarify this if possible. It is irritatingly gobbledegook
Shall the traveler raise his thoughts to speech?
Or does the road call more loudly?
To this comes the silent answer
Tis known that thy head is used to the full of a feather bed
But the warmth of straw and hearth does bear merit
My stew is not as hearty as fine spiced meats
Nor is my plate gold
But tender is mine hand and adoring is my offer
The finery of fools besieges me not
Nor does the foul smell nor pallor faces of the dead
Graceful is my life dear traveler
Stay awhile
Tis naught of often thou hangs thy hat
The roaming of village to village
Seeking
What finds thee? What dost thou seek?
How loud dost the wind call? How hard dost it push?
Dost thy heels bear wings?
Wilt thou ride Pegasus or attempt the acts of Icarus?
Let she sup with thee
Speak of thine own being
Let sound resonate in stories and create illusions drawn pretty with every stroke
That elaborates upon the wag of the tongue
Pray tell speak!
Pricked are my awaiting ears
O dearest traveler
Stay awhile ~ Arachne

Arachne by name.....but what a web you weave. You would be the only spider needing to trail a single thread to find your way back home. I am sorry if this criticism seems harsh, but I call it as I see it. Perhaps you would be just as brutally honest with one of my lowly efforts...after all, that is how we learn.
Best,
tectak

Thank you kindly for your lovely critique of my work. I wrote it all and I am very proud of it. Aye, brutal honesty is the best form and one does learn from others. Thank you for teaching me so much. You flatter me to no end.

---

Hello Arachne,

Welcome to the site! It's always good to see a new writer posting their work. Here are some comments for you within the lines:

Grey swells adorn the horizon and sprinkle lightly upon the earth
The roar of thunder is heard in the distance whilst I seek the crash of light--There are things I like and dislike in these opening lines. Provided my read is accurate, I like that you've made the sky like a roiling sea. I see the grey swells as clouds having the properties of waves. The sprinkle lightly makes me think that these swells are clouds rather than actual waves. I'm not a real fan of "adorn the horizon" it makes the action feel too static as if these effects just sit as ornamentation. When you add that to the long line lengths of the first two lines and the archaic whilst it gives me the sense of something new attempting to sound old. That's one of my complaints about the poem in general. I think the older word choices come off as stilted and serve to detract rather than enhance. That said, I do like your phrasing on "the crash of light" I do think though that something like that would be better served by a shorter line to make it pop out in the scene more.
Alas, only the roar is heard--conversational asides like alas not only feel a bit melodramatic but they come across more as prose. You have a lot of filler words thoughout that could be pared down some
Cool are the drops that I grasp--The inverted syntax feels forced
Escaping though tightly clenched fingers as gravity has its way--From a paring down standpoint what does tightly really add here that clenched doesn't already give you? You have a few of these nice sexual echoes in the poem gravity has it's way...later air has it's way, the ecstasy line, etc
East, west, north, and south there is no sight of blue
Ah, but the green! The green is seen
Lush and glorious
Intoxicating the nostrils with every breath--I like this phrasing.
Eyes closed dismiss the unnatural sounds making way to silence undisturbed--This is a bit awkward and could be pared down. Unnatural sounds is also vague.
Journeys need not be made via transport of the usual kind
Nay! My mind takes me where I choose--Archaic language isn't effective here (I realize that's an opinion please disregard if you are truly committed to it).
Light the skies oh nature's form--Now we have the narrator imploring "nature's form". This might have been a good time to begin drawing that out more deliberately. I'm reading it that this is the "she" spoken of later in the poem. Going next to the bolts of the gods seems to pull the attention of the she of personified nature and onto some other beigns
The bolts of the gods fly mighty--you mention Perseus and Icarus by name later would this be better stated as "The bolts of Zeus"? Though again, I would consider going another way with these lines
The land and sea take fancy to the storm--something stronger than "take fancy" perhaps
As life twirls about in ecstasy--Twirls may not be the best verb. About may not be necessary
Driven sideways, air has it way with water--I like this line but would like to see more buildup on "nature's form" before getting to this point

Weary traveler, take thy time with thy hostess
Let she sup with thee
Thy cup emptied shall be filled tenfold--Again my main issue is with the stilted sounding language not the direction of the content
And thy plate engorged--engorged is a good word here
Tis mine the fancy to fulfill thee
Where dost thou roam on lonely roads
Whose only avenue is a new fork or cross--I enjoyed the addition of "cross" if only for the dual meaning of someone wresting between a pagan view and a christian religious view. It adds a subtle color to the line
Where dost decision play in thy mind?
To what end is thy journey?--Is there a way you could condense to one question?
Stay awhile
My hand wands and waves the quarters assuring the share--wands sounds a bit odd here.
Shall the traveler raise his thoughts to speech?
Or does the road call more loudly?
To this comes the silent answer--These last three lines use a lot of space to make this point. Condense?
Tis known that thy head is used to the full of a feather bed--The tis known that could likely be cut as it is motly filler
But the warmth of straw and hearth does bear merit--I like the phrasing warmth of straw and hearth
My stew is not as hearty as fine spiced meats
Nor is my plate gold
But tender is mine hand and adoring is my offer--inverted syntax sounds awkward
The finery of fools besieges me not
Nor does the foul smell nor pallor faces of the dead--Again, I'd like to see you pare this down some
Graceful is my life dear traveler
Stay awhile
Tis naught of often thou hangs thy hat--hangs thy hat seems cliche and the of could likely be cut
The roaming of village to village--This is likely one too many uses of roam in the poem
Seeking
What finds thee? What dost thou seek?--If you are going to have the one word line then you probably want to cut this line that doesn't add much, and go right into the stronger questions below
How loud dost the wind call? How hard dost it push?--I feel like these compound questions on this line mean that you haven't settled upon the one perfect question that should stand here alone. I think you need to stetch yourself here and come up with more evocative questions
Dost thy heels bear wings?
Wilt thou ride Pegasus or attempt the acts of Icarus?--I wouldn't look to rely on the allusions as a substitute for coming up with more arresting questions
Let she sup with thee
Speak of thine own being
Let sound resonate in stories and create illusions drawn pretty with every stroke--The content of the stories and illusions could be drawn out here but as to the phrasing what does let sound resonate give you that simply "Let stories resonate..." would not?
That elaborates upon the wag of the tongue--this is a busy way to say this
Pray tell speak!
Pricked are my awaiting ears
O dearest traveler
Stay awhile ~ Arachne

I realize that I didn't have a lot of encouraging things to say about this one. I didn't connect with the choices you made. That said, I hope at least the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Todd, thank you kindly for dropping by and I appreciate your words. Some people like apples whilst others like oranges. That being said, nothing more need be said. The comments left gave me a jolly good laugh.

---

Hello Arachne,

Welcome to the site! It's always good to see a new writer posting their work. Here are some comments for you within the lines:

Grey swells adorn the horizon and sprinkle lightly upon the earth
The roar of thunder is heard in the distance whilst I seek the crash of light--There are things I like and dislike in these opening lines. Provided my read is accurate, I like that you've made the sky like a roiling sea. I see the grey swells as clouds having the properties of waves. The sprinkle lightly makes me think that these swells are clouds rather than actual waves. I'm not a real fan of "adorn the horizon" it makes the action feel too static as if these effects just sit as ornamentation. When you add that to the long line lengths of the first two lines and the archaic whilst it gives me the sense of something new attempting to sound old. That's one of my complaints about the poem in general. I think the older word choices come off as stilted and serve to detract rather than enhance. That said, I do like your phrasing on "the crash of light" I do think though that something like that would be better served by a shorter line to make it pop out in the scene more.
Alas, only the roar is heard--conversational asides like alas not only feel a bit melodramatic but they come across more as prose. You have a lot of filler words thoughout that could be pared down some
Cool are the drops that I grasp--The inverted syntax feels forced
Escaping though tightly clenched fingers as gravity has its way--From a paring down standpoint what does tightly really add here that clenched doesn't already give you? You have a few of these nice sexual echoes in the poem gravity has it's way...later air has it's way, the ecstasy line, etc
East, west, north, and south there is no sight of blue
Ah, but the green! The green is seen
Lush and glorious
Intoxicating the nostrils with every breath--I like this phrasing.
Eyes closed dismiss the unnatural sounds making way to silence undisturbed--This is a bit awkward and could be pared down. Unnatural sounds is also vague.
Journeys need not be made via transport of the usual kind
Nay! My mind takes me where I choose--Archaic language isn't effective here (I realize that's an opinion please disregard if you are truly committed to it).
Light the skies oh nature's form--Now we have the narrator imploring "nature's form". This might have been a good time to begin drawing that out more deliberately. I'm reading it that this is the "she" spoken of later in the poem. Going next to the bolts of the gods seems to pull the attention of the she of personified nature and onto some other beigns
The bolts of the gods fly mighty--you mention Perseus and Icarus by name later would this be better stated as "The bolts of Zeus"? Though again, I would consider going another way with these lines
The land and sea take fancy to the storm--something stronger than "take fancy" perhaps
As life twirls about in ecstasy--Twirls may not be the best verb. About may not be necessary
Driven sideways, air has it way with water--I like this line but would like to see more buildup on "nature's form" before getting to this point

Weary traveler, take thy time with thy hostess
Let she sup with thee
Thy cup emptied shall be filled tenfold--Again my main issue is with the stilted sounding language not the direction of the content
And thy plate engorged--engorged is a good word here
Tis mine the fancy to fulfill thee
Where dost thou roam on lonely roads
Whose only avenue is a new fork or cross--I enjoyed the addition of "cross" if only for the dual meaning of someone wresting between a pagan view and a christian religious view. It adds a subtle color to the line
Where dost decision play in thy mind?
To what end is thy journey?--Is there a way you could condense to one question?
Stay awhile
My hand wands and waves the quarters assuring the share--wands sounds a bit odd here.
Shall the traveler raise his thoughts to speech?
Or does the road call more loudly?
To this comes the silent answer--These last three lines use a lot of space to make this point. Condense?
Tis known that thy head is used to the full of a feather bed--The tis known that could likely be cut as it is motly filler
But the warmth of straw and hearth does bear merit--I like the phrasing warmth of straw and hearth
My stew is not as hearty as fine spiced meats
Nor is my plate gold
But tender is mine hand and adoring is my offer--inverted syntax sounds awkward
The finery of fools besieges me not
Nor does the foul smell nor pallor faces of the dead--Again, I'd like to see you pare this down some
Graceful is my life dear traveler
Stay awhile
Tis naught of often thou hangs thy hat--hangs thy hat seems cliche and the of could likely be cut
The roaming of village to village--This is likely one too many uses of roam in the poem
Seeking
What finds thee? What dost thou seek?--If you are going to have the one word line then you probably want to cut this line that doesn't add much, and go right into the stronger questions below
How loud dost the wind call? How hard dost it push?--I feel like these compound questions on this line mean that you haven't settled upon the one perfect question that should stand here alone. I think you need to stetch yourself here and come up with more evocative questions
Dost thy heels bear wings?
Wilt thou ride Pegasus or attempt the acts of Icarus?--I wouldn't look to rely on the allusions as a substitute for coming up with more arresting questions
Let she sup with thee
Speak of thine own being
Let sound resonate in stories and create illusions drawn pretty with every stroke--The content of the stories and illusions could be drawn out here but as to the phrasing what does let sound resonate give you that simply "Let stories resonate..." would not?
That elaborates upon the wag of the tongue--this is a busy way to say this
Pray tell speak!
Pricked are my awaiting ears
O dearest traveler
Stay awhile ~ Arachne

I realize that I didn't have a lot of encouraging things to say about this one. I didn't connect with the choices you made. That said, I hope at least the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Todd, I apologize as I thought you had brought over the last person's critique. In reading what you had to say, I can say that I appreciate the time and patience you put into reading this work. My strange way of writing is not something I would change, however, I do like to know what others think about it. Being a fan of Shakespeare and being a romantic, this poem was brought about when I first met someone (you also picked up on the sexual aspect). You did pick up on the pagan overtones very well. The anarchistic part of me would not change a single word to please anyone as I write for self. I hope you do too as that is where pleasure comes from. Thank you once again and please accept my apology.