A father dies.

[Philatone]

hey tec!
I hope you can use some of this.

avoiding comments on the inverted structure used in some lines

Edit 1. mostly billy, but thanks, too, addy (S4 rewrite)

You found the rock that hurt you when you fell
and kicked it hard; revenge to ease your pain....you know, I think the "and kicked it hard" already conveys that sense of revenge. I didn't need to be told, I don't think
But how you cried, my little man,
with heaving breaths to me you ran, ...."heaving breaths" could be fresher; can you make it new?
in new felt fear and shocked disdain,
to beg a kiss, to make it well.

Your silver gun, the one you loved, you lost....really liked this line
You searched in boxes, beds and Poo-Bear Wood....I get the sentiment, but it struck me a bit odd to go from broad (boxes) to broad (beds) to specific (Poo-Bear Wood)
Your tears were welling when you told
of how you killed the bad guys. Bold
and steadfast, there before me stood,
a cowboy hero, double-crossed.

What was her name? I can’t recall it, but...the "it" felt a little extra. actually, the second half of the line is somewhat redundant of the first
you told her that you loved her just the same.
She left you, took your childish days
and made you tough, in many ways....what does that mean, "made you tough". you're avoiding explanations and jumping too far
You smiled; I knew you took the blame.
A tear, just one, to sting the cut....have reservations about the "just one"-again, redundant of the "a tear"

Now you have lived my life for me, my son....the "now" kind of kills the momentum of the stanza before it; really creates a break between the stanzas. I'm not sure if that is problem for the piece or not for you
Vicarious, I felt each loss, each win.
I ask no more, just look on me;
sight fades, but through your eyes I see
that love is holding fast within..could chop the "that". feels like extra weight
me, 'til my life is finished, done.

The rock that grazed, the silver gun, a toy;
the spring of love that dies in summer’s sun.
Young tears once shed run dry and hold,
To flow once more when we are old,
too frail to skip and slip and run,
Then death is peace, and tears are joy. ...strong close

Tectak 2002

Not really good enough for Serious crit but have at it to see what can be rescued....and it is from "real" life, indie!

I see what the piece is doing and I like the goal. however, there is practically no transition between the different episodes (the first three stanzas). it makes the read a bit jumpy; if that suits the goal of the piece, fair enough, but I want to be sure that it truly is a goal. I think the emotion is here, but it is burdened by some extra weight.