The Lion Speaks Tonight

[Indie]

edit 1 philatone

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail. "craving drool" sounds weird, not in a good way, also jars the flow and places the reader off balance
Come by and softly follow me.
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail, ending, is the eyeing of the tail needed?
let twilight wisdom lead we three.

Hush now, hush! The scents of life will tempt you sorely. Kill your speed;
come near and slowly stalk with me. "slowly" doesn't work with the surrounding words, and stalking by its nature and how it's used in this poem, is slow
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye;
stand stiff and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh! take out "not a sound" it's unneeded repetition
Hold still as death, for life prepare. for life prepare? I don't understand what you're trying to say here

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?
Come with me in your wild mind’s eye.
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death.
Ready now…together…FLY! last two lines in this verse left me confused. I understand what you mean, but Lion's don't fly.

In my teeth the warm blood surges, washing through my craving ache. again with the craving. Find a better word
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion, bonds of siblings break
And throneless Kings come we…..


Tectak

2006

One of a series of anthropomorphic efforts. See the Camel. Others wll follow unless advised otherwise! ( Oh no....not ANOTHER one)

An interesting primal write. Like I mentioned on Desert Song, just needs tightening and some clarification.

Indie