05-19-2012, 06:27 PM
I remember reading the original and found it quite confusing. This edit is better, but IMO the flow still feels very blunt and cut off. As a reader I'm also put off by the fact can't accurately gauge the mood you are trying to convey, it's quite cold in it's execution, and I'm not sure if that was what you were aiming for. I'm still confused on exactly what stance you are taking as well.
"Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them." - Friedrich Nietzsche