~Ode To Rebecca~

[ficosdarkness]

An interesting piece, I quite enjoyed what you were going for (I think). The narrator hasn't slept for 50 hours, and he has started to hallucinate. Why hasn't he slept? The title is "ode to rebecca" even though none of it resembles an ode, so I'm guessing this is a dark humor piece that documents his mental breakdown after a breakup or maybe even Rebecca's death (this is just guesswork). The fact that it's the most lucid description of a hallucination I ever read made the piece doubly intriguing, though Phil is right that it does have its weak points (it sometimes struggles between straightforward and longwinding, muddling the effect for the reader)

Perhaps the piece could be more cohesive if you insert more hints and clues about the Rebecca thing (assuming my interpretation of your intent is correct). Maybe have an ending for the letter, too since you already began it with salutations to Rebecca.

Thanks for sharing

Addy you always seem to hit the nail on the head! I actually did write this after being up for 50 plus hours and thought it was funny so I decided to share it with my friends here in the pen! I didn't tweak it because honestly I read it after I had slept and I'm not quite sure what I meant. I am going to put it on the cutting block as billy suggested and give as many hints about Rebecca that I can. I love you guys here!! Rebecca is a real personality of a friend so know prob there but the smurfs? Well their explaination may be a bit tricky. Maybe you can give me a few ideas on them, eh? I am, among other things, bipolar. Whenever I go from a depression into a manic with my bipolar disorder I use the smurfs as a metaphor?? That they are coming to reap havoc on my psyche, such like that. What do you think? I would very much like to bring everyone into bipolar in a way that others have not. I'd like to be as desciptive as possible so they understand or at the very least, have a better understaning, because if they have a person like me in their life, that understanding is imperative to the survival of that relationship... I'll leave it here. It is kind of groovy as is I think, don't you? lol!

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hallucination form lack of sleep and possibly banned substances..

there's a lot of good stuff going on in there though some of the repetition and packing could be edited out in order to make it less prose. some of the simile could be improved upon by cutting part of them away.
at present the block writing isn't doing the poem any justice.

the title feels a bit iffy as the piece reads more like "a smurf's tale"
i think you need to get the cutting board out and give it some breathing space.

great to see you again btw

thanks for read.
billy

billy you're like a piece of candy to me at times! There were no "banned substances" but, hallucinations by way of sleep deprivation, are the norm for me as I am a chronic insomniac, which is a symptom of bipolar. What makes this piece so very cool is that it is an actual hallucination! I've gone waaay longer than 50 hours without sleep and written but I haven't been able to finish those pieces and I couln't make most of them out at all! That being said I would like to make this piece into someting usefull but keep it entertaining as well. As I told addy, Rebecca is a personality of a friend who is also bipolar, she named that part of her persona because the change in her is so different from who she is. The smurfs are a way of me to descibe that I'm going from depression to mania. I go from one to the other extremely fast, thus the "blue vapor" analogy. (I think) Please keep in mind that I didn't know that I wrote the piece and after catching up on sleep, well, there it was. I thought that it was funny as all get out so I shared it with you all in the pen. I'm going to put it on the chopping block and try to use a different form as well as the other things that I've learned in the pen! Thanks for your input. Anymore, as you know, is open heartedly welcomed. Deuces! (that's a peace sign indicating that I'm out!)