Clock Watching edit1

[Philatone]

hey tec
some thoughts in the hopes of helping

Clock watching edit 1
Thanks to billy,erthona, addy,heslopian

She walked the desert, stooped and halting,
broken backed, bare shinned, bare boned;...i'm not sure how I feel about this line; the lengths it reaches strike me as being too far
her eyes were not aligned to time the sun....nice
Too bright for life, she shunned its glare,
as if the truth of light was just too sure for her. ..."just" feels like it doesn't have a real place in the piece
She, in her shrivelled world, uncertainty a daily constancy;...the /s/ sounds weren't very pleasing for me; again that's personal taste; the idea itself is fine, though a bit direct
tick-tock, the clock chimes out from need to need
so time becomes a useless, child-play toy. ...wasn't fond of "child-play" for the image, though the idea itself is great

Her rhythm, hunger synchronised, precision guaranteed,...like the terms used, appropriate
counts down to certainty. She lives for one but dies for two. ...good line, open to interpret
See, in her wake, a gift to many,a child too many;
a binding umbilical and reminder of her best forgotten days. ..."best forgotten" is really interesting in a good way, ambiguous in just the right amount. perhaps more a culture thing, "umbilical" strikes me as an adjective more than anything, not a noun
The child is bloated, drawn and sexless by the lack of clues
which clothes bestows upon the infant frame;
but more by the androgyny of pre-pubescent, famine present years....heavy on direct description for very little action. I felt as though I was being guided a little too heavily by the speaker

The woman stops and turns, a gesture
meant to indicate that love, somewhere, is there...how do I know that this is what the gesture means? on another note, is reminiscent of Orpheus
but wasted on the wasted. ..a good line that lost some of its impact from my problem with what preceded it
The night is coming to their day. Tick-tock. ...a good line


tectak
2011

a strong piece overall, though a bit more direct at times than I prefer