Institutionalized
#11
(05-05-2012, 05:57 AM)Philatone Wrote:  v. 3 again, complete adjustment

In standard font, with serifs reserved for business and obituaries,
the report emerges. An unarmed robbery is buried in section B Would "robber" make more sense than "robbery"? As it is the line seems like it's saying the robbery took place in the parking lot.
where a cab idles in a parking lot despite the gallop of sirens,
the rear door already unlocked to receive the law, I think a semi-colon should go here. The next line feels like it's a continuation rather than the end of the sentence, which is confusing.
its reach for the handle, and pull. Should "its" have an apostrophe, as in "it is reach for the handle, and pull"? I'm basing this suggestion (and the previous one) on what I think this line means to do: describe the cab driver's actions.

His passenger taken from the car, the driver relates the silence
he and the thief exchanged even as cruisers approached; This couplet is almost perfect. The clauses connect with each other in a crisp and flowing manner. I'd make this its own sentence just so it seems more whole and stands alone.

how they sat a row apart, like boys observing a service,
one ready to leave before communion, the other content to watch
the ceremony before him, the flicker of mounting candles,
the brush of a savior against open palms,
the scent of home too strong to want to soar. I don't think you need this last line. It feels like one clause too many. The rest of this verse is excellent and darkly atmospheric.
This is my favourite version of the poem so far. The first verse is slightly overwritten, but the rest is superb.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Messages In This Thread
Institutionalized - by Philatone - 05-05-2012, 05:57 AM
RE: Institutionalized - by billy - 05-07-2012, 11:45 AM
RE: Institutionalized - by addy - 05-07-2012, 12:13 PM
RE: Institutionalized - by Erthona - 05-07-2012, 12:40 PM
RE: Institutionalized - by Indie - 05-07-2012, 04:34 PM
RE: Institutionalized - by Philatone - 05-09-2012, 01:25 PM
RE: Institutionalized - by Indie - 05-09-2012, 03:16 PM
RE: Institutionalized - by tectak - 05-09-2012, 07:45 PM
RE: Institutionalized - by heslopian - 05-11-2012, 10:38 AM
RE: Institutionalized - by Philatone - 05-12-2012, 05:04 AM
RE: Institutionalized - by heslopian - 05-12-2012, 05:36 AM
RE: Institutionalized - by Philatone - 05-12-2012, 06:33 AM



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