Clock Watching edit1

[heslopian]

Clock watching

I watched her walk; Should this semi-colon be a comma? dragged and halting,
broken backed and bone-bare shinned. Is "bone" needed? It feels like one too many words.
Her eyes were not aligned to see the sun. I'm not sure I like the wording of this line. It feels a bit clunky. Instead of "aligned to see" how about "in line with"?
Too bright for life, What's too bright for life, her eyes or the sun? she shunned its glare
as if the truth of light was just too sure for her. I think "true" would work better than "sure," but that's just a personal choice.
She, in her shaken world, uncertainty a daily constancy; Could the latter half of this line be trimmed to "uncertainty constant"?
tick-tock, the clock times out from need to need
so time becomes a useless, child-play toy. Do you need "play"? "Child's" would suffice.
Her rhythm, hunger synchronised, precision guaranteed,
counts down to certainty. She lives for one but dies for two. Neat sentence. Poignant and chilling.
See, in her wake, a gift to many; Again, should this be a comma? a child too many,
a binding umbilical and reminder of her best forgotten days. I like the phrase "best forgotten days."
The child is pale and drawn, sexless by the lack of clues Is "by the lack of clues" needed?
which clothes by trait bestow upon the infant frame This and the previous line feel really overwritten. I had trouble following the train of thought. Here's a suggestion for condensing it: "sexless,/his clothes bestow no gender on his frame."
but more by the androgeny "androgyny" of pre-pubescent, famine present years. Is "famine present" needed?
The woman stops and turns, a gesture
meant to indicate that love, somewhere, is there
but wasted on the wasted. This sentence is my favourite in the whole poem. It's punchy and verbally interesting. I like how you use both meanings of the word "wasted."
The night is coming to their day. Tick-tock.


tectak
2011

I like the story you tell, but my problem with the poem is that it feels extremely overwritten. You have a really compelling narrative here. Now you just need to let it breathe.
All critique JMHO. Thanks for the read.