Institutionalized

[tectak]

I really like the flow and language of the first version. The second one, while clearer in tone and perspective lacks the soul of the first piece. The biggest issue in the first version was clarity and tense and the POV was vague, but it told a more interesting story IMO. The best I can offer is maybe step back from the pieces and ask yourself what is it that you really want to say through the poem.

Indie

Hi phil,
I am with indie on this one BUT I have a wider point to make which seems to be the cause of some of the problems with the poetry I have enjoyed from you.
The "but" was because I do not agree that the "flow" was better in v1. To me, it was stultified and concatenated......as though you had written brief, skeletal notes with a view to fleshing out later. Oh oh! Here it comes. I think that you may be slightly unsure about committing to longer lines/stanzas because you do not have the confidence of use. (Sorry, billy, this may be in the wrong thread/forum) And yet, a simple restructuring of the piece in terms of architecture rather than bricks may be all that is needed to show where pieces are missing. It is almost as though you give birth, life and death, anthropomorphically speaking, to each short stanza and then expect them all to rise up from the dead and sing together.
Best,
Tectak
Or Uncle Tom to some......I was never in the taxi