Institutionalized

[Indie]

I really like the flow and language of the first version. The second one, while clearer in tone and perspective lacks the soul of the first piece. The biggest issue in the first version was clarity and tense and the POV was vague, but it told a more interesting story IMO. The best I can offer is maybe step back from the pieces and ask yourself what is it that you really want to say through the poem.

Indie