05-08-2012, 10:44 PM
"My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle...I'm not sure why (and so, you can probably ignore this ), but now I'm stumbling a bit with these first two lines. I think it has to do with flow, what with all of the dependent clauses (the leaking, the glistening); finding a way to combine the two lines would enhance the flow a bit for me"
"leaking and glistening" are present tense, the rest of the verbs in the sentence are past tense, "kissed", "took", and "let go". It is generally preferable to maintain the same verb tense throughout a piece, but certainly within a single sentence. To speak of something in the past as though it has yet to happen, or is in the process of happening, or to do so in the future is what perfect tenses were created for, however even in prose where the structure is more rigid, they are difficult for most people to handle well enough not to create confusion in the reader. In poetry, these days, where it is chic to to stack clauses upon clauses, it can create a nightmare for the reader, especially as he senses that something seems off, but because of all the added complexity introduced with the stacking of clauses, it seems one not easily identified. What occurs is an unconscious rejection (repudiation) of that section of the poem with a vague sense that something is not quite right; a "stumbling", if you will.
Dale
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle...I'm not sure why (and so, you can probably ignore this ), but now I'm stumbling a bit with these first two lines. I think it has to do with flow, what with all of the dependent clauses (the leaking, the glistening); finding a way to combine the two lines would enhance the flow a bit for me"
"leaking and glistening" are present tense, the rest of the verbs in the sentence are past tense, "kissed", "took", and "let go". It is generally preferable to maintain the same verb tense throughout a piece, but certainly within a single sentence. To speak of something in the past as though it has yet to happen, or is in the process of happening, or to do so in the future is what perfect tenses were created for, however even in prose where the structure is more rigid, they are difficult for most people to handle well enough not to create confusion in the reader. In poetry, these days, where it is chic to to stack clauses upon clauses, it can create a nightmare for the reader, especially as he senses that something seems off, but because of all the added complexity introduced with the stacking of clauses, it seems one not easily identified. What occurs is an unconscious rejection (repudiation) of that section of the poem with a vague sense that something is not quite right; a "stumbling", if you will.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.