Mother Dearest

[Philatone]

*****
note! accidentally stumbled into the original post when I was trying to give my latest feedback on this. The original versions got deleted, but I reposted V. 1 (couldn't find the second...). I'm sorry for my absent-mindedness, hope you can forgive me



again, sorry about that... with regards to the crit, take only what you will, these are just the thoughts I had while reading

V.3 (Complete Overhaul)

Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…

One…

Two…

Three…

Memories flood my mind
With the looks of yesterday ..."memories" already gave me a sense of "yesterday", which really can represent any time in the past. This line felt like excess to me
The expression on your face hasn’t changed
The echo of your words still fresh ...interesting contrast of past and present. if desired, could be carried out even more
Like a never ending slap ...could drop the "like" to lose the simile and add agency to the image

Cause I’m not special, I’m not the first girl ...in some ways, just one of these phrases would be OK
That’s ever had a man manipulate his way into her pants ...could chop off "into her pants" and just keep rolling onto the next line
Past the button on her jeans to leave a bloody mess
Along with a whispered “hush”
Indentations of my teeth imprinted on my lips ...could drop the first "my" and "imprinted"---"indentations" already shows the "imprinted". nice image

And how proud you must be
That I’m such a bleeding disappointment
My heart pinned like a scarred badge
To my rhetorical sleeve, that refuses to burn ...hmm, i'm not sure if the work on the cliche "heart on a sleeve" does enough to make it new
In the alcoholic dousing I’m all too happy to give it...considered dropping the "it", again a personal preference

I’m so full of wonderful obscenities
Words I never leant from you ..."leant" or "learnt"--just checking
When silence was your motto
To the things a young girl should know
About the big bad world out there ...an example would lend this more strength than stating "big bad world"

Fast forward this tape eleven years
Your smile still as tense as the avoidance in your gaze
Me still holding my head in defiance
Hiding behind a decade of bravado
And the silent promise that I’d never let you see me cry

Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…

And I’ll pretend I don’t know your secret
The one you’ve been hiding behind out of duty
To man you don’t even love
Still pretending the world is as it should be
To afraid to admit that men, should never have that power...comma not needed

So, just close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…...the "so" did little for me. it would be possible to reiterate the line 2 stanzas above "close your eyes and (etc.)..." if you wanted.

early on, I felt that some lines repeated their ideas--I think I mentioned the ones I saw. I think it has gotten stronger as it progresses. I hope some of this is helpful.