(05-03-2012, 02:33 PM)Indie Wrote: V.3 (Complete Overhaul)a big wow from me. the difference is great (in a good way) the poem feels stronger, and you still kept it from being vulgar. some of the images that are more defined work really well.
Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…
One…
Two…
Three…
Memories flood my mind
With the looks of yesterday the 1st two lines after the 'Three' aren't needed, L's3, 4, and 5 make an excellent start for the poem
The expression on your face hasn’t changed
The echo of your words still fresh
Like a never ending slap is 'like needed/does it have to be a simile?
Cause I’m not special, I’m not the first girl
That’s ever had a man manipulate his way into her pants
Past the button on her jeans to leave a bloody mess
Along with a whispered “hush”
Indentations of my teeth imprinted on my lips this is what i meant about being strong. it isn't over the top, yet it's more outrageous for the reader
And how proud you must be
That I’m such a bleeding disappointment
My heart pinned like a scarred badge is 'pinned like' needed? which would need 'to being changed to 'on' on the next line.
To my rhetorical sleeve, that refuses to burn
In the alcoholic dousing I’m all too happy to give it is 'all too happy to' needed, 'i'm' would have to become 'I'
I’m so full of wonderful obscenities i like this line, it feels like you've been set free
Words I never leant from you
When silence was your motto is 'when' needed?
To the things a young girl should know
About the big bad world out there too cliche
Fast forward this tape eleven years
Your smile still as tense as the avoidance in your gaze
Me still holding my head in defiance
Hiding behind a decade of bravado
And the silent promise that I’d never let you see me cry
Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…
And I’ll pretend I don’t know your secret
The one you’ve been hiding behind out of duty
To man you don’t even love the or a is missing
Still pretending the world is as it should be still pretending works fine on it's own.
To afraid to admit that men, should never have that power is 'to' needed?
So, just close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened… good reinforcement
(I haven't been able to remedy everything everyone has offered so far and implement it into my poem yet, though I understand your perspective and advice.)
my only constructive crit is that you used a lot of packing phrases. i'm sure other will disagree but i think this sort of poem needs to be as tight as possible. anyway,; great 1st edit indie. good poem.
thanks for the new read
billy
ps, all caps on poems where grammar is used doesn't work for me. so i call foul on all caps in this one
pps, you didn't actually use much grammar but you did use it